“Day two hundred and seventy-one. Atlas shrugged,” read one astronaut’s logs.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
A month after announcing that the Boeing Starliner astronauts will remain in space for another year due to spacecraft complications, Boeing has held a press conference to address the concerns of the public.
“As we stated initially, the astronauts will be hosted by the ISS and will be perfectly taken care of until SpaceX can return them home next February. Probably,” said Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg.
Many audience members were concerned about the physical damage that prolonged exposure to the microgravity within the ISS can cause. Audience member and renowned psychologist Dr. Dee Esemfife was additionally concerned about the psychological toll facing the astronauts. “A well-regulated circadian rhythm is vital to the maintenance of an individual’s psychological well-being,” said Dr. Esemfife. “I worry that without enough mental preparation for these conditions, the astronauts will suffer.”
In response, Boeing brought out their own psychological consultant, Mal Praktiss, MFT, to assure the audience that the astronauts were receiving the best psychological care available. “I administered the psychological evaluation myself, and without breaking too many HIPAA regulations, I can confidently say that both of them are completely psychologically sound,” Praktiss said. A full transcript of the evaluation, held on Zoom, has since been leaked by a Boeing whistleblower, who has since suffered health complications. The hour-long call faced continuous connectivity issues due to the orbit of the ISS, and began with Praktiss asking the astronauts to rate their anxiety and depression on a 10-point scale. The first astronaut reported a six and nine respectively, while the second astronaut reported an eight and three.
The evaluation also included a one-on-one interview between Praktiss and each astronaut. The transcript noted that the first astronaut interviewed was “despondent, but otherwise stable.” They are cited as saying, “I miss my wife and kids. My little girl, Talia, just turned three. She’ll be closer to five when I return. I guess knowing I’ll be away from my family for so long really makes me think about what’s important in life. You don’t know how much you come to appreciate Earth from space. I’ve spent my life trying to leave that place for the stars, but looking down at that beautiful blue-green marble, I’ve never wanted to be down there more.”
The second astronaut, on the other hand, was observed to be “in distress” and physically disheveled with dark circles under their eyes. “Space is an uncaring, godless void,” they said. “I have never felt more physically or emotionally isolated from anyone. The ISS crew already have an established routine and dynamic with each other — do you know how hard it is to break into a premade friend group?! I signed up for this thinking I would just be up here for a week, but I was not prepared for this more-than-a-year-long stay in space. Day in, day out, I stare into the void and it stares back. It is cold. It is hungry. And the ISS is definitely haunted.”
Therapy sessions will continue to be offered to the astronauts, but they will have to pay rates in accordance with their insurance policies. In the meantime, SpaceX pledges to continue its work on the shuttle that will return the astronauts home. “She’s a real beauty,” Elon Musk said of the spacecraft, dubbed the “Cybershuttle.” “The future of space travel will be brutalist, steely, and rectangular!”
A new space melodrama is launching (pun intended) this fall on ‘a commercial TV network’ titled “As the Red Tesla Orbits” & will be sponsored by the American taxpayer & Boeing Corporation.