Anti-Vaxxers Reinvent Vaccines

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Written by: Gavriel Feria

“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.
Photo by Theo Erickson

Meta user Michael Roechip has gained traction for a post that originally began on the “Stop Providing Inoculations in Kansas and England” (SPIKE) group, an American and British organization advocating for the removal of vaccination requirements. “Instead of the government forcing us to inject ourselves with these ‘vaccines’ that are obviously nothing but tracking microchips, we should start exposing ourselves to diseases in small, controlled doses so that people’s bodies can prepare for it when they encounter the diseases again,” stated one of his posts. Roechip continued, “Perhaps we could even find a way to isolate the specific strain and make it not as harmful to humans. That will show those tyrants that we don’t need the government to control us to ‘prevent illness’!”

​Receiving mostly positive attention for his posts, Roechip recently began a crowdfunding campaign in order to initiate his proposed vaccine alternative. The campaign reached its funding goals within minutes of launching, but Roechip has not yet made progress on his promise to provide the product. When medical researcher Dr. Sally K. Edwards was asked about Roechip’s project, she stated, “What Roechip is describing is essentially a vaccine — vaccines already exist. He is reinventing the wheel for stupid people. I don’t know why people are giving him money!” However, she reluctantly offered to work with him, stating, “If just rebranding vaccines is enough to get these people to stop threatening us with unnecessary cases of measles, then working on this would just be the smart thing to do.” Dr. Edwards stated that she “technically” followed Roechip’s instructions — “that is, with a large amount of clarifying interpolations,” according to her — and provided him with a concoction that she touted as “indistinguishable from this year’s flu vaccine.” While Roechip initially reported excitement about the prototypes that Dr. Edwards created, he later attempted to synthesize his own batch, stating, “If she can do it, how hard can it really be?” Due to his general lack of medical knowledge, Roechip quickly met several setbacks. Although Roechip was able to gain access to a chicken farm, he was not trained in obtaining blood draws in a sanitary manner and was unsure of how to convert the blood he was able to obtain into an effective product. After testing the prototype on himself, Roechip has become bedridden with a combination of a novel strain of avian influenza as well as salmonella. Roechip is nonetheless persistent, stating that this is “only a small setback away from freedom.”

​Despite news of this setback reaching Roechip’s corner of social media, it has not stopped other SPIKE members from “contributing more innovations.” An organic food advocate and SPIKE regular, Diana Thymine, has proposed that “in order to make people healthier, we need to grow food crops with more nutrients. Perhaps only grow the ones that you know have more nutrients, or even change them a little somehow! Maybe by modifying their genes… much to think on.”

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