Aides Refuse to Reveal Secret to Queen’s Long Life as 70th Year of Rule Approaches

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The Church of England will now accept small children as tithe.
Photo by Maria Dhilla

As Queen Elizabeth II approaches her 70th year of rule, the Commonwealth and subjects around the world are preparing for Her Majesty’s Platinum Jubilee, set to take place early this February. British citizen, Jonathan Livingston-Sea-Upon-the-Gull, said, “We lowly, dirty commoners must zealously congratulate Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Keeper of the Sacred Teas, Season 10 Challenger NA/EUW, and Multi-Universal Champion of Interdimensional Wimbledonian Space-tennis both with and without 4-D Time Travel, on her immense strength and beauty and power and loveliness and power.”

Though this is undoubtedly a time for great cheer, many have found themselves asking exactly when Her Majesty’s reign will end. Inquiries into her long life and blooming youthfulness have yielded nothing, and a human rights crisis was recently declared on the treatment of certain aides known to be close to Her Majesty. According to Police Commissioner Seager Summers-Copeland, the Queen’s closest aides were “subject to brutal horrors not seen since the Middle Ages.” Though nothing slipped from between the aides’ newly straightened teeth, palace insider sources claim that the “screams of virgin souls’’ could be heard throughout the palace on the eve of Her Majesty’s birthday, as well as “a witch-like cackling.” For legal reasons these reports have remained unconfirmed, but no followups have been made, due to the sheer amount of positive press surrounding the royal family’s plans during the celebration.

Speculation about the potential events is at an all time high, and although nothing has been confirmed by the Crown, several leaks have resulted in lofty expectations for the celebration. Reports indicate some of the leaked events include, but are not limited to: “Seek and Hide Ancient Treasure,” “Marmite Speed Eating,” “The Great British Beans on Toast Showdown,” “Pin the Border on the Africa,” and a life-sized game of Risk to be played on a global scale with loaded tanks. “I’m personally excited for Risk: Global,” admitted Lord Lipton Frumplebumpton-upon-Avon, Earl of Leighcesterbottom. “Conquering foreign nations and looting them of their resources upholds good, old-fashioned British values.”

This excitement seems to be shared by the entire country, including the other Royals. “I heard that we’ll be having a Mini Derby, where instead of mini horses, they’ll be racing Mini brand cars, and the drivers get extra points based on how many lines they can quote from acclaimed British novel Remains of the Day,” commented Harry Stratford-Uponthe-Bow-Hamlet-Worchestershire-Mary-Shelley-Windsor, a young royal scion of a country he insists exists. “I’m ever so glad we looted that Ishiguro from the Orient.” He further mentioned being excited for the upcoming bank holiday during the Jubilee. “Working at the Ministry of Peace is no easy job. Just this past week we had to interrogate a group of palace workers. The horrors we subjected those poor men to are almost unspeakable. Thank The Queen they were merely peasants. Men of higher standing would’ve undoubtedly gone mad from the squalor of the prisoners’ living conditions.”

No further inquiries have been made surrounding this admission, as the British Press has only continued to report on the many sheets of fabric needed to make banners big enough to fit the Queen’s full titles. This banner issue has resulted in a global fabric shortage that is expected to last well into 2025, leading to talks on recolonizing India for their fabric industry.

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