“Surprisingly, my MATH 20C grade is more unsettling than asMARTA’s performance,” said O’Reilley.
Photo by Sharon Roth
The quietest floor of Geisel Library was disturbed last Tuesday by self-proclaimed “ASMR-tist,” Twitch streamer, and professional moaner, asMARTA. Student witnesses report hearing her fingernails clacking, bubble wrap popping, and Cheeto chewing; all of which upset students attempting to study for their second round of midterms. “Sure, we glared at her, but what were we going to do?” complained one math major “Shush her? That would be stooping to her level.”
asMARTA, who has “as many followers as there are fans of UCSD housing,” whispered her statement into her pink Blue Yeti microphone: “I … ” She then exhaled deeply before smacking her lips, which prompted another student to offer her a stick of gum. Marta’s “sensual” chewing and popping was a huge hit on her stream. The chaterupted with joy for “Hubba Bubba Brad,” who continued to give her gum until the tape roll was empty. “I feel like I was really doing something for the community,” said Brad. “It’s finals week and we all need to relax, you know?”
asMARTA then proceeded to fondle slime in front of her microphone until the Wi-Fi cut out, stopping her livestream. According to bystanders, asMARTA “clacked violently at her keyboard with a fervor previously only seen by students disconnected from their timed-tests” before hissing, “UCSD protected! I hhhhhate you, I will sssssspite you, I will dessssstroy you!”
After the Wi-Fi reconnected, asMARTA’s stream continued. Viewers reported a “soft moan” reverberating around the otherwise quiet room. This disturbed some nearby students and some viewers, who erupted in a stream of white thumbs-down emojis. “I mean, sure. It’s hot,” said Lucas Jey. “But I have a huge econ project due tomorrow, and I would really like to finish it without worrying about whether I’m — I mean if someone else is — you know — ”
Anonymous student complaints led angry librarians to forcibly remove asMARTA from the floor, who resisted, “stomping her feet and scratching her nails along the ground while clicking aggressively with her tongue.” Eventually, librarians were able to force her into the elevator, but witnesses claim asMARTA “tapped her long nails against all the metal buttons, so students on the seventh, sixth, fifth, and fourth floors got a taste of what her live stream has to offer.”
In response to the controversial stream, asMARTA’s has shifted focus from abstract noises to motivational speaking. “You will succeed,” she whispered during one stream, while slurping from a water bottle. “You will succcccccceed.” Polly O’Reilley, a third-year Marshall student, said, “I really appreciated that. I was having a rough day, and her dulcet hissing really calmed me down. I think if she were allowed back into the eighth floor, it would be a more inviting study space.”
