Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Los Angeles constituents have formally opposed the construction of the 2024 Summer Olympic stadiums and housing out of concern that the buildings will go unused after the event. In an effort to combat this, the IOC announced that the LA Summer Games would be premiering several new sports. “After we heard about the terrible cost associated with hosting an Olympic games, I was just appalled,” said IOC president Henri Ngs. “How could anyone have predicted that all those beautiful venues would go unused within four years of construction? It’s heartbreaking. I really thought that the billions of dollars spent on coliseums would inspire the locals to begin competing at a professional level in all sorts of sports, or at least spend thousands of dollars for season tickets to watch their neighbors become professional curlers.”

With rising costs and a lack of interest from possible hosts, the IOC intends to use the LA games as a testing ground for a more modern Olympics tailored to the current world. “At first, I was worried that I wouldn’t be reelected after I agreed to use taxpayer dollars for the games,” said LA Mayor Chancho Oportuni. “But then Ngs and I met for lunch, where he assured me that I could expect a large private donation to my campaign fund, and that he would ensure the stadiums we built would be used for a very long time.”

To fulfill his promise, Ngs and the IOC unveiled three new sports designed to keep the stadiums built in use for at least 10 years. These events, Professional Crochet, Industrial Paint Drying, and Concrete Erosion, are all designed with a long playtime, in contrast to the fast-paced events that make up a typical Olympic games. The three events were described by Ngs as “feats of endurance rather than athleticism.” Professional Crochet pushes athletes to their limits as they attempt to crochet continuously until only one crocheter remains, Industrial Paint Drying has teams of two attempting to dry one teraliter of paint using nothing but hand fans and body heat, and Concrete Erosion has teams of four working to destroy a 20-meters-cubed block of concrete using only their bodies. “I’m so excited Professional Crochet has finally made its way into the Olympics,” said Olympic hopeful Cerci Erkel. “I’m not sure I can last long enough to go for gold, but I think I should be able to crochet continuously for around three years, which is hopefully enough for a medal.”

Although many people are excited about the new games, some people feel that the stadiums could be put to a better use. “I’m just wondering why they can’t turn the stadiums into homeless shelters or affordable permanent housing after the games instead of extending them,” said L.A. native Knice Aguy. In response to Aguy and other concerns, IOC president Ngs said, “There’s a very simple reason why the stadiums can’t be converted. Without the stadiums, we wouldn’t be able to watch upwards of 10 years of riveting crochet action!”

With only five years until the Olympic games, some athletes are worried that the qualifiers may not end in time for the games. To minimize these fears, the IOC announced “scaled-down” versions of the sports would be used for qualifying. “In order to make the sports more practical, my team and I have made the qualifying versions substantially quicker,” explained IOC board member Bindi Scapella. “Instead of a 20-meters-cubed block of concrete, contestants will have a 20-millimeters-cubed block; instead of a teraliter of paint, contestants will have one liter and will be allowed to use flamethrowers; and instead of crocheting until they physically can’t, contestants will be bribed to stop by Mr. Beast himself.”

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