“Finally, another place I can spend this useless currency,” said third-year student Darlene Davidson.
Photo by Liv Gilbert
I n a sudden announcement affecting students, faculty, and local shoppers, UC San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla has unveiled the university’s latest urban project: the acquisition of University Town Center (UTC), La Jolla’s premier shopping destination. This merger of academia and retail promises to “redefine the college experience — for better or worse.”
Chancellor Khosla, described as having “grandiose visions,” delivered the news at a press conference that was reported to be filled with “bewildered” attendees. “Today, we bridge the gap between education and consumerism,” he declared before presenting a model that was reported to “less so combine than mash up” lecture halls with department stores. Khosla continued, “In this new era, learning doesn’t just happen in classrooms — it happens in food courts, ice rinks, and luxury boutiques.”
The acquisition comes with an additional development: the “Mall Loop,” a dedicated bus route designed to shuttle students directly from campus to the heart of UTC. “No longer will students have to use a scooter or the trolley to get their retail therapy,” said a UCSD transportation official. “They can now sit in traffic on a bus instead.” While the Mall Loop “promises to be a gamechanger for students who want to combine their study sessions with shopping sprees,” many are questioning whether this will benefit students in the long-term. “Is this really how the school wants to spend our tuition money?” wondered one student. “I mean, is anyone actually clamoring for a bus that takes them from a midterm straight to UNIQLO? Who asked for this?”
In a move that is already facing scrutiny, UCSD’s Housing, Dining, and Hospitality is set to take over a portion of UTC, rebranding it as “HDH Mall.” This new hub will offer students a unique dining experience where they can enjoy “the same overpriced and underwhelming food as on campus,” but with the added “excitement” of mall ambiance. “Picture yourself eating a $15 burrito bowl next to a fountain and a Forever 21,” an HDH spokesperson said. “Name me a more indulgent way to spend a Tuesday afternoon!”
UCSD Transportation Services are also contributing to the effort, making what has been called a “predictable, but deeply disappointing” move to the newly rebranded mall. With the acquisition of UTC, the already “notorious” parking situation is expected to continue to fail to accommodate its users. “We’re planning to raise parking fees at UTC and ensure that every spot requires a permit that no student currently possesses,” a parking official announced. “It’s all part of our ongoing commitment to create a more synergistic parking experience.”
The future of the UTC 24 Hour Fitness has been a point of concern for many students, but HDH officials have promised its facilities will be maintained as it is rebranded to “RIMAC West,” a satellite gym where students can work out while staring at the mannequins in the window displays of adjacent stores. “Why not lift weights while contemplating your next shopping spree?” a UCSD gym manager said. “We’re merging fitness with fashion, all in the name of holistic student wellness.”
Finally, the UCSD Bookstore is set to expand into UTC, offering students the chance to spend their “excess financial aid” on both textbooks and trendy clothes in one sitting. “Why just pay too much for a lab manual when you can also overspend on a sweater you’ll wear twice?” asked a UCSD Bookstore executive. “It’s all about offering students choices — expensive ones.”
During the press conference, a member of the university community raised a megaphone and shouted from the crowd: “Will this really be the future of higher education? Or have we all finally lost our minds?” In response, Khosla concluded the event, saying, “It’s a mall, it’s a campus, it’s the future,” with a smile that was reported to suggest he was just as confused as everyone else.
