New Nobel Prize Category Announced


Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“The pen really is mightier than the sword,” said Hoofenshmirtz. “It allowed them to sign off on this bombshell announcement.”
Photo by Millie You

After 55 years, a new Nobel Prize category sponsored by the Royal Swedish Academy of Commerce and Capitalism (RSACC) was announced. In addition to the traditional prizes in Physics, Chemistry, Physiology or Medicine, Literature, Peace, and Economic Sciences, this year will feature a new prize in War Technologies. “After many years of amazing Nobel Prize winners, I noticed there were parts of Alfred Nobel’s legacy that weren’t being honored,” said RSACC CEO Robert Duvernay. “For example, did you know he invented dynamite? He also ran the company Bofors, which he turned into a manufacturer of weapons. To honor all his great work in these fields, and that of our corporate sponsors today, we decided to create this new prize.”

The inspiration for the prize in War Technologies arose after the marketing manager for the RSACC, Astrid Lindberg, watched the film Oppenheimer. “I was so surprised that Oppenheimer didn’t receive the Nobel Prize in Physics for creating the nuclear bomb,” said Lindberg. “If a person wins WWII by themselves, they definitely deserve a Nobel Prize for their efforts. It brought me great shame to think the world wouldn’t honor the man who created such a big bomb, but luckily I was able to change that. Now explosions both cool and destructive can finally earn their rightful place in history.”

The announcement of the new prize ignited an arms race amidst the defense industry, with each company vying for the largest and “coolest looking” weapon of mass destruction. “We here at Northrop Grumman are sure to win this year,” said lead scientist Gran Plosion. “I have created a bomb modified to be dropped from the talons of a bald eagle that can destroy an entire city whilst playing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ On top of that, it’s been carefully engineered to launch fireworks that form an American flag in the sky as it falls. I call it the ‘Red White and Blew You Up,’ and it’ll make sure that the people you bomb know who bombed them.”

Despite all the excitement in the defense industry surrounding the new prize, some people called the prize “barbaric and inhumane.” “All this Nobel Prize does is undo all the work Alfred Nobel did to build his legacy,” said Nobel Peace Prize hopeful Dr. Dienz Hoofenshmirtz. “I cannot believe people would allow this Nobel Prize to be created. Judging companies on their ability to kill people is barbaric and incentivizes conflict. I miss the days when we went to war for important things, like oil and freedom.”

With all the defense companies competing to create the most innovative war technology, all explosive testing facilities have been booked for months. This has caused smaller companies and individuals to start finding unconventional ways to test their latest weapons. “I realized that while large companies and nations are restricted from committing war crimes, I am not stopped because I never signed the Geneva Convention,” said inventor Ira Sponsible. “I’ve just been testing my weapons in national parks and other places that generate lots of attention so I’ll be sure to win. Sure, the government may call me a ‘terrorist,’ but what I really am is a marketing genius.”

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