Professional Eater
I am an American hero. I am the one who keeps local businesses afloat during COVID-19, who provides the money to put kids through school, who showcases restaurants to the public. As I stuff spoon after spoon of biryani into my gullet, I flash a smile to make sure my captive audience knows how delicious it tastes. When I later pack an ice cream parlor full of people to watch me demolish an eight pound ice cream sundae, what I’m actually doing is providing the owner with pure, American capital. Sure, I may win $100 worth of free ice cream, but that’s just the price you pay for good publicity.
I don’t really care for politics, as in my experience, neither party is any good at helping the American people get the oversized portions they deserve. I’m out in the streets every day, working hard to help small businesses across this great country while politicians sit on their asses in Washington D.C. arguing about which bill they want to pass next and how they can screw over the everyday man. While they are squabbling, I’m mobilizing a group of patriots who are doing valuable work. You may not know who they are, but these unknown American heroes are out there. They are the ones who look over a menu, find the largest thing on there, and demolish it. People around them are filled with awe and inspired to order and eat more. If the average American ate just six ounces more per meal, the economy would be fixed in days.
Look at Canada. Now there’s a country that knows how to eat. Canadian citizens make me look like an amatuer. A Canadian can eat an entire moose in a day! That’s roughly five thousand dollars going into their robust economy. In one day, by one person. “But Dustin,” you say, “I can’t eat a whole moose — I’m vegetarian!” Well, I say more power to you. Being vegetarian doesn’t stop you from eating more. That’s the key to saving America from the recession. Eat that tofu, or that salad, or whatever makes you feel happy, but eat more. Eat until the owner has to come out and say, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t have any more food for you. Thank you for spending your hard-earned money at my establishment. I really appreciate it and hope you enjoyed your food.” Then keep doing it. At first it may be hard to eat a lot, but as with everything, a little time and effort will soon have you eating like a champ.
We may not be able to agree on who sits in the White House, or what food is the best, but I hope we can unite, as a proud nation, over this important task. I hope you all take my message to heart and start visiting your local establishments. Becoming a hero like me is only one spoonful away, and I hope you all join me in lifting that spoon.
