Tuesday night, President Joseph R. Biden shocked the nation during his annual State of the Union address when he declared that the United States would soon transition from solid and liquid states to a Bose-Einstein condensate. In his address to the 118th Congress, Biden outlined his two-year plan for the nation, saying, “Like a gas of bosons, Americans have been divided. This is all going to change due to groundbreaking technology developed by the Department of Energy. And now, thanks to the DoE’s $15 trillion in funding, we will cool down the nation until we all reach the same quantum state of being, uniting all Americans once again into one beautiful, diverse superfluid.”

Following the speech, the country was “thrown into turmoil” as the public tried to decode Biden’s message to America. “I was fast asleep when I got the call from my nephew asking me what was going to happen to us all,” said physicist Souqu Ark. “After looking at Biden’s plans, I can confidently say that there is nothing we can do. We have been placed in a box with a radioactive sample Rube-Goldberged to a hammer and poison gas, and we can only wait and see what happens.”