After years of declining viewership, the NCAA announced a shift in their annual March Madness tournament in an effort to “pander to those damn kids.” “It’s clear that this younger generation doesn’t have the same respect for sports as their parents did,” said NCAA president Gerald Unkingab Asketball. “They just stopped watching three hour long games ’cause their attention spans are shot. It’s a shame, but we here at the NCAA are committed to profit above all, so we will be shortening all games into a series of 60-second periods. Don’t worry, we will still keep our very popular four-minute ad breaks between periods for our loyal fans.”

The tournament’s format change was well received by viewers. “I love the change,” said self-proclaimed TikTok influencer Ospla Shingath Reejan. “Now I can watch the sport as it was meant to be watched: 60 seconds of high-octane action followed by four minutes of pure advertising bliss so that I know where to buy my pants from.”