“I knew violent video games would come in handy one day,” said one student.
Photo by Farhad Taraporevala
Just five days after Governor Rick Les Stu Pidity signed Senate Bill 1325 into law, allowing teachers to concealed carry in schools, the Students for student Health Of Tennessee (SHOT) announced a campaign to allow students to concealed carry as well. “It only makes sense when you think about it,” explained SHOT leader Armie S. Tudiante. “Who’s gonna stop a bad guy with a gun when they come to our classrooms? A teacher with a gun. But who’s gonna stop a bad teacher with a gun? The only solution is to have multiple good students with guns armed and ready to take their teacher down.”
The campaign was met with resounding support from Tennessee lawmakers and signed into law over the weekend. Governor Pidity said, “I’m proud to say as governor of this great state, I have done more in the past two months to protect our most vulnerable citizens, the future of our nation, than anyone else has done in the history of the world. If any of our citizens have ideas on how to keep our children safe, especially if it involves guns so our friends at the NRA can continue to line my pockets, I am always willing to sign bills into law with what some have called reckless abandon, but what I call a deep empathy for our future.”
Not all Tennesseans are in support of the new laws. A group of concerned parents who believe guns don’t belong in schools have begun protesting across the state. The group, Guns UnNecessary (GUN) was founded by Nashville parent Bull Etts, after a heated parent–teacher conference led to him being held at gunpoint by his kindergartener’s teacher. “We will not rest until Governor Pidity repeals these stupid laws,” said Etts. “I should not have to worry about my daughter getting shot because of Pidity’s Wild West fantasy. Now that she’s also armed, I shouldn’t have to wear a bulletproof vest to tell her she can’t have dessert instead of her vegetables. If you are a parent like me who believes in a balanced, nutritious diet for their children, join GUN for peaceful protests outside of your local schools.”
In an attempt to reassure the GUN protesters, Governor Pidity’s office put out a series of public service announcements explaining how students and teachers are trained before receiving their concealed carry licenses. These announcements featured the Head of the Department of Safety, Sig Remmington, who is responsible for all firearm regulations. “I just want every parent to know how much I value firearm safety and training,” explained Remmington. “How could parents feel threatened when they know that we train teachers and students for eight whole hours before we allow them to carry in schools? That’s nearly triple the amount of time our police officers are trained for!”
Remmington broke down the training curriculum further. “First, we give them a very thorough talk on firearm safety. It’s the most important thing, so we make sure it takes the least amount of time possible. Then, we spend the remaining 7 hours and 59 minutes learning how to take care of your gun, reload under duress, and aim accurately. To simulate a high-pressure environment, every kid has to shoot an apple off of my head while other students try to distract them. It’s changed my hairstyle into a bit of a nohawk, but everyone says I look super cool with it! If we have any free time at the end, we’ll run simulation drills in Call of Duty. The kids are especially good at those.”
