December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III

Written by: Watthew Mare

Last Friday evening, a child was reported missing after attending a birthday party at the Pasadena Chuck E. Cheese location. Following the Pasadena Police Department’s report of the disappearance, Chuck E. Cheese CEO Charles Entertainment Cheese issued a statement claiming that the disappearance was “not part of a collaboration with the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie or video game franchise.” 

“Our condolences are with the victim and their family, and an investigation into what happened at that birthday party is currently in progress,” stated Cheese. “As we move forward with the investigation, we want everyone to know that this kidnapping was not related to or in partnership with any company, brand, organization, or media outlet outside of Chuck E. Cheese. You can rest assured that this is simply your average, run-of-the-mill, non-promotional abduction of a minor.”

Employees at the Pasadena Chuck E. Cheese have disclosed that they were instructed to deflect any concerned patron’s comments that “could be vaguely tied to Five Nights at Freddy’s” with responses such as “Missing children? The only thing I’m concerned about is missing out on all the FUN!” and “The purple guy? His name is Mr. Munch.”

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