December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III

Written by: Taggert Smith

Panic seized the student body last Monday, following an apparent violation of the laws of reality: the arrival of “Ms. Pell’s Mobile Stationery Store On Wheels” to campus. The street vendor-style cart serves up lukewarm pens, pencils, paper, and other office supplies. “Easy access to pencils is convenient, sure,” commented first-year Li Turret. “But how can something be mobile and stationary at the same time?” asked Turret, tearing the last few clumps of hair from their scalp.

“I never imagined that trying to make a quick buck would leave people fearing the end of the world,” said Pell, dodging a molotov cocktail lobbed into York Hall. “But that’s just the game, you know? I’m hustling, and so are these pens.”

Some students feel liberated by the dissolution of logic and consistency. One recent dropout said, “Why bother with it? Physics is fake anyways! Check this out,” and threw a pen into a nearby recycling bin, shouting, “Get cucked, Newton!”

Physics students have theorized that these objects represent a previously unrecognized form of superposition, and are currently gathering as many pens and pencils as possible, planning to throw them through a thin slit to gather data.

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