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Woman Unfortunately Not Haunted by Cool Ghost –– Just Her Past

“It’s horrible, I might go insane,” claimed Daniela Rumour. “And not in the fun way where you look artfully disheveled, shrieking in the moors, overcome by the trappings of society and womanhood.” “No,” Rumour explains, “this is much more insidious.”

“I keep on seeing these notifications on my phone. ‘See yourself 5 years ago with those bangs, Daniela,’ my phone tells me. ‘Oh God, all of those little hashtags you’d add to all of your Mancrush Mondays, just to make sure we all knew you were being ironic,’ my friend reminds me. ‘Oh haha Daniela, remember when you watched and live-tweeted that sports anime, thinking that your thoughts deserved to be seen by your eleven followers?’ my mind curses me.”

Rumour goes on to bemoan her fate. “I just want my every waking moment to be judged and found wanting by a supernatural shade, but I have to do that myself. I can’t be both the haunting and the haunted. I’ve got bills to pay.”

It is a constant struggle, Rumour admits, but she is hopeful that “even more social media” will induce “a sort of brain rot,” that will numb her to anything, even time.

The MQ is the premier satire magazine at UC San Diego

EIC Elect at The MQ

Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.

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