Aquarius – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Happy Aquarius season! This month, your power-ups include finding pennies on the ground, never pulling a muscle at the gym, and the ability to completely forget about Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, excellent! Otherwise, you may want to invest in Post-it notes.
Pisces – Feb. 19 – Mar. 20
You should spend this month prioritizing every task you left for later over the past six months. Midterms mean nothing if you never wash your car. But don’t forget to keep lengthening that to-do list; if it’s over 100 lines by the end of the year you win a mental breakdown!
Aries – Mar. 21 – Apr. 19
Have you been missing your free time? Unfortunately, it’s not coming back. Ever. Really, the only thing you can do is try to live in the present, even though it is constantly and rapidly slipping from your grasp. Or you can always run away and join a monastery.
Taurus – Apr. 20 – May 20
Mars is in the night sky this month, so you may be feeling a little warmer. Use the extra kinetic energy to launch your dreams into the stratosphere, where they may get picked up by a passing comet. How did you think wishing on a shooting star worked?
Gemini – May 21 – June 20
You should stand firm in your decisions. Be bold. You know whether that fishing trip will be fruitful or fishful. Use your powers of clairvoyance to make those around you happy. Or use them to turn the entire world upside down. Your decision will depend on how much caffeine you’ve had.
Cancer – June 21 – July 22
Have you been feeling a certain angst lately? The moon has been spending more time in the Northern Hemisphere, making things a little more emotional and shaky for you. Try dusting off your flip flops and taking a walk straight off the edge of the world. Taking the edge off, so to speak.
Leo – July 23 – Aug. 22
This month, you should follow your impulses — whether it be to kick a small child or buy a caramel Frappuccino. Treat yourself to a very small amount of cocaine. Set things on fire. General chaos is the name of the game. Heal your inner child.
Virgo – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Do not leave the house unless you want to be seriously freaked out. There is some scary shit out there you do not want to see. Stay cozy with your cats, or blankets covered in cat fur. Blue skies are not in the cards for you. But before the downpour starts, go dig the dead leaves out of your gutters.
Libra – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
You should skip class more often. Your dreams offer you an outlook that will bring hope, love, and insomnia. Try spending more time in other, less tethered worlds. This should bring you the energy you need to go grocery shopping.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
The angel and the devil on your shoulders are at war. Since your head is in the middle, your mind may be affected. Get ready to make some really bad decisions. You may also experience shortness of breath, chest pains, and tingling gums.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Neptune is in Pisces this month, so you may be feeling hostile toward others. Make sure to fill up on gas so that you can run people over at maximum speed and still have enough to cross the border, where you cannot be prosecuted for your crimes and may live the rest of your life in peace.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Your fortunes will reverse this month. You may be in for a surprise or two! Expect the unexpected to show up on your doorstep, like Amazon packages you did not order, or a stop sign stolen from the street, or a bird that whispers your loved ones’ secrets in your ear.