Geekvape Launches Pacifiers

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Written by: Justin Xu

“I am ripping phat cloudz off this cart. JUULius Caesar is almost empty,” said preschooler Little Jimmy.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt

Geekvape, a leading manufacturer of electronic cigarettes and other children’s toys, recently announced that it would be expanding into the baby product market. Their website describes their new product as a pacifier capable of delivering a “hit” of vapor containing aerosolized nicotine. “We at Geekvape have revolutionized childcare with our new Geekvape Nicotine Binky,” said Victor Vapejuice, a Geekvape sales representative. “Since 2021, we’ve funded research to investigate the health benefits of vaping in babies. Our studies show that, while a pacifier can help, babies become significantly more complacent after periodic doses of nicotine from a vape. However, we are still yet to discover whether this behavioral shift is due to the nicotine itself or the Blue Raspberry Bling Zing flavoring.”

As of the last few weeks, the new product is already on the shelves of retailers across the nation. Benny
Businessguy, spokesman for Babies R Us, said that they are “beyond happy” to be among the first to stock Geekvape Nicotine Binkies. “Our team at Babies R Us is thrilled for the opportunity to help families decide if vaping is right for their child,” he said. “And I just want to say that we are fully ready, willing, and able to support those who opt in and ensure that their little angel is happily huffing and puffing that Mexican Mango goodness — Oh, but that’s not the only flavor we have! We got the popular ones too, like Applesauce, Breast Milk, and Banana Purée!”

Jennifer Brown was one of the first parents to buy the new pacifier. In a recent interview, she spoke about her experiences with the product. “Oh, my Matilda loves her new pacifier. I’ve never seen her so happy with a new toy. You know, she cries louder when I take it away than when she’s hungry,” yelled Brown over the sounds of her daughter’s wheezing. “But I’ve noticed that she’s been coughing more since she started using it. Do you think she has a cold?” Meanwhile, Matilda took a long hit from her sweet potato-flavored Nicotine Binky before adding, “Ba ba booey.”

Despite all the positive feedback, public health concerns have arisen over the potential harm of exposing newborns to the “most addictive chemical known to man.” In response, Geekvape has released several statements assuring its customers that those concerns are unfounded. “Look, there’s tons of research showing that vaping harms adults and teenagers. But babies? None. I think vaping is harmless to babies until proven otherwise,” said Vapejuice in a recent interview. “Look, the news might tell you that some of our customers died from heart attacks at the ripe old age of two, but there’s no proof our product was involved. Besides, how do you know it wasn’t just old age?”

Doctors and other healthcare professionals working to bring these concerns to light are not so easily convinced. “I hope people realize that Little Jimmy shouldn’t be coming into urgent care with a smoker’s lung,” said Dr. Leslie Emdee, a pediatrician at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. “I’m worried that if things keep up, we’ll start seeing toddlers breathing from holes in their necks and teenagers with metal jaws. Besides, if I’m ever in the NICU and I have to charge a patient’s JUUL, I’m quitting on the spot.”

According to Hit, Geekvape’s upcoming projects include nicotine-infused neonatal ventilators and a new line of disposable vapes targeted towards pregnant customers.

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