
Biden has reportedly promised “only the softest and sweetest of kisses for these poor, dear boys.”
Photo by Farhad Taraporevala
In an urgent press conference, HYBE Corporation declared that the return of the K-pop boy band BTS, the world’s seven biggest “cutie-patooties,” has been put on indefinite hiatus. This came after the announcement that one member of the group remains missing in action after the group’s mandatory military conscription for South Korean men. “He never needed permission to dance,” wept Chairman Bang Si-hyuk, “now my heart is beating like the saddest metronome.”
Due to security concerns, His Excellency Yoon Suk-Yeol granted the group absolute anonymity and maximal stealth. Member “John Kim” was last seen in an undisclosed forest during a practice drill of hide-and-seek with his squad. All squadron members reported an “eerie song of loss” that caused heartburn and severe menstrual cramping. During this period of group delirium, or a Momentary Paused Regiment Exercise Gambit, the seekers lost track of Kim and lost the game 0–20. “He buttered me up and out of my league, I mean, the drill,” said Private Bap. “His aura was in effect and he camped my spawn coordinates.”
There is no evidence of foul play as the Minister of National Defense admitted to “banning swear words, even making military activities ‘more fun and more safer [sic] for adults their age.’” In a survey conducted by the Republic of Korea Army (ROKA), at least 1% of military recruits express that they are “willing to become one [with them].” After half a dual-hour of looking through all active and reserve military personnel, Kim was officially declared MIA.
“kookiebigdookie,” the government-run database of insider information on BTS’ private lives, immediately leaked the news of Kim’s disappearance, spreading what was reported as “chaos and destruction” among
ARMYs in a massive “K-flop.” HYBE shareholders have reacted to this tragedy with heartfelt onslaughts and despair. Chairman of Samsung Lee Jae-yong responded on X, formerly known as Twitter, saying: “One of them is Mia? I thought they were Korean.” After a lengthy explanation, Lee replied, “Oh, like my dad.”
The South Korean military came under fire for the inadequate protection of Kim, with Strasbourg Court Judge Yung Milne declaring, “The lack of work ethic in elevating sexual archetypes like ‘the hero’s journey’ does not necessitate a development arc in which Kim needs suffering to build his character.” The military was forcibly dissolved as of a unanimous decision by ARMY judges.
The cloaking technology behind BTS’ extreme privacy has resulted in the identity of Kim being physically undiscoverable. In an interview with Korea Times reporter and military insider Josh Hope, he revealed, “They have no idea who he is. He might be me.” Additionally, the remaining members cannot be reached due to undisclosed reasons following military service. Hope reported that sightings of the possible Kim are being reported all over the world in places like Mark Zuckerberg’s house, Pluto, and Green Hill Zone.
All of the other 174 world militaries have sent aid in the “hide and sequel,” a search that located a diary found in Kim’s quarters which was sent to US forensic scientists for further analysis. Though leading investigator Rob Monsen noted he “[couldn’t] freaking read this.” Other attempts at testing, like DNA sequencing and handwriting analysis, were found to be inconclusive. “We were distracted by a single-nucleotide polymorphism in his ESR1 gene and his cat doodles,” said Monsen. “Serology tests were also planned, but the samples were shortly contaminated.”
With the search still ongoing, the newly renamed Republic of South Kim has arranged for Kim’s memorial service and accompanying tie-in with HYBE Corporation and the US. As such, President Joe Biden has awarded all seven original members a Purple Heart and a kiss on the cheek. A memoir was co-written by all 8 billion people on Earth and has already received a manhwa adaptation titled “Isekai Kim-oppa” written by Kim Tae-hyung. HYBE, still grieving over Kim, ensured the public that Kim will always be inside of them forever “at no additional cost.”