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Written by: Jack Yang

By Mark Zuckerberg
Proud American

Hi guys, Zuckerberg here. I’ve always said that the years we spend in college can be some of the most formative and special years we ever spend. From creeping on college girls, to drafting genius business ideas, to drafting genius business ideas about creeping on college girls, some of my fondest memories come from my college days. That’s why

We at Meta teamed up with UCSD administration to bring you an exclusive snapshot of what college could look like in the future. I’m proud to announce the launch of “Meta U: The Metaverse University Xperience”. We at Meta and the UCSD administration understand that this year’s increased admittance has caused some housing issues for some students. That’s why here, at Meta U, we’re offering virtual dorms at discount rates. Let me show you: We just plug in our VR/AR headset here, and … voila! Peep my sweet crib! We got the classic twin bed here, wardrobe, desk, pool table, arcade cabinet and … a basketball hoop? Okay, now this room is officially baller. (Nice job, team!) Alley — ooouch, crap! Where the heck did this wet, hard-ass bench … I mean — totally dry and plush sofa come from? But that’s good, it’s all so realistic … yeah, a room of your own, at Meta U!

Long waits at the dining hall got you down? Come on over to Chez Zuck, UCSD’s first metaverse dining hall. Plug in your headset of choice and experience world-class cuisine, delivered instantaneously by our virtual culinary team! Let’s say I’m craving some grub, but don’t want to wait in line. With a tap here, and here, I can order it — and look! The OVT pizza, in full resolution, on my plate! Wow, you can see everything, down to the oily soot on the bottom. If only I had some Sweet Baby Rays with me — now that’s what I call a meal! And, if I interact with it, the optional Nourish Fulfillr™ IV Drip will shoot the calories directly into my body, so it’s as if I really ate it! Yum yum, more please!

Finally, we’ve heard your feedback on virtual learning over Zoom. Meta U will introduce virtual reality learning, which is my personal favorite. Going to class is as easy as clicking a button, meaning you can take the lecture wherever you go! Wow, look at that – Center Hall, complete with frat advertisements and stinky students! I’ll just sit down — oof — over here, and I’m ready to learn! Wholly motivated to listen to my professor talk at a normal speed! Also, don’t forget, Meta learning syncs with the new iClicker X, so don’t forget to grab those at your local bookstore for a true UCSD lecture experience. And that’s all the time I have, but I hope that this glimpse into the Meta U program gets you excited for the upcoming metaverse learning integration. Until then, stay classy, San Diego

Graphics Editor at The MQ | Website

Digital cowboy. Graphics lad. Future Doc Pep Brand Ambassador.

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