Heads up – this feature is from our special Cosmopolitan issue. As such, it may not come across as it was originally meant to in print. Click here to view the original PDF! (Desktop browser recommended.)
by Kitty McLawren
While watching Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, I had an epiphany. Although it is marketed towards children, the film’s subtle imagery is a clear metaphor for online dating. I realized my folly, watching Puss. After years of going against the grain by developing my unique method of self-improvement that I call “looking prettier than before,” this film inspired me to actually pick myself up by my bootstraps and seek out my soulmate. Therefore, my next adventure was obvious: Tinder.
There’s a lot to be said about the similarities between Puss in Boots and online dating. Like Puss’ heroics, it’s really a courageous thing to go on a dating app — I have to deal with the rejection of unreciprocated swipes, and I can’t even imagine anything worse. Unless, of course, they were to reject me in person, but that’s just too barbaric to imagine. You know, as much as I admire him, Puss really missed a beat by talking to people in real life. Last week someone actually came up to me outside Safeway and asked me where the bus stop was! Like, boundaries much? Clearly Puss in Boots’ filmmakers didn’t know about iPhones, because that cat should’ve Googled where he was going instead of searching for a map. Why would anyone ask an embarrassingly valid question if they could just get an immediate and accurate answer without having to engage in human interaction? It’s not like you can learn anything from being around people, anyway.
But let’s talk about the deeper themes of Puss in Boots. As we all know, being in your slut era doesn’t actually require having sex, contradictory to the term’s colloquial meaning. It’s really more about your especially non-effeminate attitude of doing what you want to do without caring what others think (while still labeling your behavior as special, obvs, because nobody will care if you don’t!) Puss is such a good example of living in your slut era — he goes after his own desires without asking anyone’s permission. However, I still don’t agree with his real-life methods. Puss in Boots wouldn’t have gotten to his last life if he had just stayed inside on his phone — it’s just so much safer! You even get the advantages of having people’s names and interests pop up, so you don’t have to remember that unnecessary information. It’s worth mentioning that apps like Bumble are pointless. Why would you want to talk to someone who isn’t willing to message you first? You deserve better! You deserve to be swiped on and given a prompt to respond to like the smart and unique woman you are! Speak when spoken to!
The moral of this journey is that leaving your dating experience to the algorithm optimizes your time incredibly efficiently. If Puss in Boots had an iPhone, he probably wouldn’t have had to go on such a long 102-minute adventure. And digital dating is the mature woman’s choice. Why would someone even talk to someone of the opposite gender if not for that purpose? You probably wouldn’t even understand them anyway. Regardless, as you venture out into your slut era, remember to be safe and make sure your puss is always wearing boots.
