World Renowned Chef Eats His Words


Written by: Aniela Drumonde

Tepids is reportedly in hot water over the comments he made.
Photo by Robin Brewin

Duncan Tepids, the “cream of the crop of rising chefs,” and “internet darling,” has recently been under fire for comments found in his Twitter page from 2014. Posted to his 24 followers at the time, Tepids asked, “What’s the deal with fondant? Shit tastes disgusting. Definitely the worst part of a cake, no question.” The tweet has since been deleted, but many have found Tepids’ thoughts hard to swallow.

“I feel so betrayed,” claimed Isolde Persimmon, who found the tweet. “How could he say such a thing? Why is he, a chef, trying to dictate basic tenets in the baking community? Who does he think he is? You don’t have a construction worker trying to instruct a nuclear physicist.”

Since this discovery, sales have plummeted for Tepids’ book Paltry Poultry: How Not to Chicken Out on Basic Prep, and Tepids has been “chomping at the bit,” to maintain his internet clout and general fanbase. Posting a picture of the notes app on Twitter, Tepids stated: “I’ve never been starved for attention, but this kind of negative press has been really bad for my brand. I used to be heralded as the perfect guy that could do no wrong, but after this, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look myself in the eye again. This all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’m so sorry, everyone.”

Persimmon, who ran the fan account @hesmybreadandbutter, recently announced the disbandment of her account, proclaiming, “Until this moment, I was fully convinced that this man was faultless. Now, I can’t stomach the sight of his face. I was Duncan’s number one fan. I’ve spent the last two years of my life chronicling his life. I bought all his books, both cooking and autobiographical. I’ve seen all of his interviews. At one point, I was even a client of his mom’s friend’s daughter’s psychiatry practice. We’re as close as two people can be, if one person doesn’t know the other exists. But this? This doesn’t fit how I know him at all. Consider this man unforgiven.”

“It’s like his carefully constructed public persona fails to encapsulate the whole of his actual personality and decisions,” said Nina Vakas, another fan. “I imagined him to be different, and he should feel responsible for that. He chose to be in the public eye, you know? Some people just bite off more than they can chew. Time isn’t real. Mistakes, whether they were made last month or 10 years ago, all hold the same weight.”

A couple of people have announced their support of Tepids. “Cancel cancel culture! Don’t be afraid to spice things up! I stand with you, man. First God-honoring politicians, then comedians, now this. The liberal left will never truly silence us!” tweeted one anonymous person. But it seems Tepids is immune to being buttered up. “I’m not affiliated with these people,” said Tepids. “Please do not think I am at the same level as these freaks, I’m begging you.”

EIC Elect at The MQ

Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *