“The only jab I’ll get is behind the curtain,” said the actor playing Polonius.
Photo by Sharon Roth
Last December, the Actors Association of America (AAA) released a public statement declaring that actors have a “well-endowed immunity” to the SARSCov-2 virus, citing a study conducted by the organization itself. Members of AAA attribute this new discovery to their self-described “exceptional acting prowess.”
Director Gregor Wilkie upheld claims made in the statement through a Zoom call. “I never got Covid. None of my friends got Covid. That means it’s fake, something made up by Big Pharma to inject us with something to suppress our beautiful voices. It’s all smoke and mirrors.” When asked about the nature of the study, he stated, “We’ve got some wonderful scientists behind the scenes in the AAA, and it’s undeniable that thespians just can’t get Covid. It’s because we’re really good at pretending we don’t have it. You don’t take four years of acting classes just to be incapable of acting healthy!”
Wilkie explained his own Covid scare from early December. “I had a fever and struggled to breathe, but I just acted like I wasn’t sick. Look at me now! Fine and dandy. No need for masks or a vaccine.” Many have called into question the legitimacy of the statements and the study as a whole, but the AAA has kept the study closely guarded. “It’s private. I don’t see why you can’t just trust us. We wouldn’t lie. Thespians never lie. NEVER,” Wilkie stated loudly. “I’m honestly offended. Nobody knows more about the coronavirus than I do — nobody in the history of America has known more about the coronavirus than I do.” When asked if Wilkie could show their data to the public, Wilkie stated that he had to leave, promptly exiting stage right of his living room.
Several actors have gone to social media to defend the AAA amidst backlash from online forums and social media. Betsy Payne, a prominent actress and member of the AAA, took to her Instagram story to say, “I played an immunocompromised character in the Off-Broadway revival of Rent! I can confirm that I never got sick. I’m just immune. If I had Covid, I would simply pretend I didn’t and it would go away.” Professional extra for daytime television shows Daren Humbert Romilly tweeted: “people who dont believe the aaa are just jealous. hey dad, who ‘shouldve gone into dentistry instead’ now? #roasted.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci released a statement to news outlets, saying, “Are thespians immune to Covid-19? Short answer? No. Long answer? No. I am not quite sure why the AAA believes they are, but since the publishing of the statement, the number of actors in the ICU have skyrocketed. You can’t count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had to deal with a bedridden DiCaprio telling me he got snubbed by the Oscars. It is vital that in the time of Omicron we continue to wear masks and receive the vaccine if eligible. I recommend that the public be wary of the information they consume. The AAA has refused to show data, and until they do, regard their statements as false.”
Wilkie responded on Twitter with the tweet “Villain, I have done thy mother. #TheShowMustGoOn,” and attached a “crude” selfie with his middle finger. Twitter users quickly turned Wilkie’s statement into a viral copypasta, mocking Wilkie’s initial tweet and sending a selfie of a similar nature.
Fauci has not released further statements on the issue, and Wilkie has yet to return to the Zoom call, which, at the time of publication, is still ongoing.
