December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III


Eighth College Named

Written by: Pranav Reddy

“Sure, it took us a while to brainstorm the new college name,” said Khosla. “But like they say, the fourth time’s the charm.”
Photo by Jacob King

The UC San Diego Office of the Chancellor announced this morning that the hitherto-unnamed Eighth College would be named. In the announcement, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla stated, “We are proud to announce that we have finally decided on a name for Eighth College: Fourth College. Since ‘Eighth’ is really hard to spell, this name was chosen to make my life easier. We would like to thank Raytheon Technologies for assisting us in making sure the naming process was as inclusive as possible. Thanks to their contribution, the theme of Fourth College will be oriented around diversity, the importance of critical analysis, and why bombs are actually vital if you think about it.”

Several student organizations protested the naming of Fourth College. John Umbers, a Sixth College student, said, “I don’t see why Eighth College got named before Sixth College. Six is a way cooler number than eight. And don’t even get me started on four. Four is basically just a bunch of lines if you think about it. Six has curves and circular vibes, and we all know that circles are the coolest shape.” Several others expressed their agreement, and sporadic rioting broke out among mathematics faculty and students over whether six was a “cooler” number than eight, as well as “what a number even is anyways.”

There is also the question of when Sixth and Seventh College will be named. Several proposals have been sent in by anonymous contributors, such as ejw College, Equine College, and College. The university announced their decision to refrain from choosing a name for either college, stating, “Give us more money if you want to name a college, you lazy bums. Think about all the impoverished students who will have to constantly see your name on every university document.”

Carlos Count, a first-year student, said, “Most people think freshmen like me can’t count, but the layout of this university is so confusing. I’m not sure I’ll be able to remember which college is Sixth, Seventh, or Fourth. I’ve already gotten lost in Sixth college while trying to get to Seventh College.” The university has promised to assist students with navigating campus. Instead of updating maps, their plans include a mandatory counting class for all incoming students, as well as signs reminding students to count on their fingers when needed.

It remains unclear what will become of Fourth College with the recent name change. The university will now have to change several signs, websites, and promotional materials to match the recent changes. Noom Errals, a construction manager, said, “We used to have a bunch of big ‘eights’ we were supposed to put up all over the place, but now we’ve got to get a bunch of ‘fours.’ I mean, why couldn’t they at least choose a square-free integer if they were going to do this? And don’t even get me started on exotic smooth structures on R4.”

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