Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

This morning, the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on the case Maryland v. Nomandering, ruling in favor of Jerry Nomandering, who argued that Maryland’s latest attempt at redistricting was unconstitutional on the basis of discrimination. “You know, I looked at the map for my new district and I was just appalled,” said Nomandering. “How could it look so ugly and misshapen? I thought to myself that this must be a mistake — they can’t all look like this. But district after district was horrendously grotesque, each more lopsided and confused than the last. When I saw the third district, I broke down crying for two hours. After the cry, I started to fight back against this grave injustice to the world.”

The Supreme Court’s majority opinion, written by Chief Justice John G. Roberts, who was joined by Associate Justices Clarence Thomas, Sonia Sotomayor, Samuel A. Alito, Elena Kagan, and Ketanji Brown Jackson in a 6-3 decision, outlined the court’s ruling that Maryland’s districts were discriminatory against “anyone with taste.” “From the minute we were shown the horrendous photos of Maryland’s congressional districts, I was horrified. Anyone with an ounce of artistic talent in the courtroom — myself obviously included — was gagging, and Jonathan, the political cartoonist, lost his lunch,” said Chief Justice Roberts. “I knew I had to do something before Jonathan lost his dinner too, so I seized my trusty gavel, hit Clarence and Samuel on the head ’til they agreed to vote with us, and quickly guided the court towards a more beautiful future, one redistricting map at a time.”

After a protracted legal battle over two and a half years through the federal court system, Nomandering has been placed in charge of the redistricting effort. “I am so excited to get to work after two and a half years of dealing with lawyers, I can finally leave politics behind and dive into the fun world of graphic design!” said Nomandering. “First task is to find an artist who doesn’t know anything about politics, but luckily I’ve received tons of applications. Some of them have some pretty interesting names! Some of my top choices so far are McConnell Mitch, Thohn June, Jakeem Heffries, and Shuck Chumer. Guess they got their creativity from their parents!”

However, not everyone is pleased with the Supreme Court’s decision. “I cannot believe the Supreme Court would betray me like that,” said Representative Andrew P. Harris. “Why would I be donating $6,000 a week so Justice Thomas’ grandkids can go to private preschool? You would think that would buy me a vote when it matters most, but nope, he said he had to keep the bribery allegations away by making an unexpected decision every now and then.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *