“I’ve always thought that the Hippocratic Oath was really up to interpretation,” said Satan.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
W ith the dissolution of the Affordable Care Act, America has turned to its newly elected Secretary of the US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), Satan, for guidance. In a press conference, Satan announced the implementation of the Hellth Essential Care (HEC) Program. “Aimed to provide all Americans with free and transparent access to biblically appropriate healthcare in accordance with the nation’s values, HEC promises to be a demonic masterstroke of eternal suffering,” Satan stated.
“How do you make the US even greater?” continued Satan. “Like my fellow Americans, I looked towards the Bible for advice. I liked Deuteronomy 25:11–12 and 1 Samuel 18:25–27, but as delightfully macabre as they are, they lack originality. I want everyone to suffer as equally as possible.”
Secretary Satan’s vision for HEC features mandatory “Agony Screening Services” (ASSs), in which patients endure a dungeon-crawling gauntlet of trials to “literally burn them for all time,” and “Infernance,” a universal financial protection plan. All citizens must also undergo rigorous and highly invasive health screenings for every probable illness known to man, with Satan revolutionizing medical schools and residency programs in order to overstaff hospitals and destroy the public’s perception of medicine.
The first week of HEC’s implementation “didn’t go as planned,” according to Satan. In just a few days, people found that the HEC system was “remarkably enjoyable” and “ironically, a gift from heaven.” Coupled with the overhaul of hospitals that eliminated worker burnout, Infernance’s universal coverage was deemed an “unpredecented advancement in healthcare” that addressed a wide range of medical needs.
The mandatory ASSs, meant to challenge patients’ resilience, were also met with unexpected enthusiasm. Characterized by their intimately detailed and meticulous nature, they became an opportunity for Americans to engage with their bodies more mindfully and proactively. Patients reported that ASSs became a “must-do activity” and many said they “were begging for more.” The comprehensive health screenings, which involved the unregulated use of fire, whipping, and other customized methods of damnation, were embraced by the public for their therapeutic and preventative benefits. Professional patient Ivana D. Vorce praised ASSs, stating, “Do I like HEC? Yeah, I love the kind of doctors that will actually just kill me!”
Satan has tried pushback methods such as supplying pharmaceutical companies with reportedly deadly drugs, only to further increase his popularity. “With the caveat of America being literally on fire now, it turns out I was already in Hell the whole time. What the HEC brought Americans is a reason to smile for the first time in decades. They even made ‘going to Hell’ a compliment.”
Satan, now a Time Person of the Year and a Nobel Peace Prize winner, has reportedly fallen into a deep depression. Through Satan’s “happy accident,” the highly successful Hellth Eternal Care program united all United States and increased the average American lifespan to 666 years. Satan has since resigned as head of HEC, and in his last address to the public, stated, “Throughout heaven and Hell, I alone am the suffering one.”
