“I could go either way with the bear, but at least there are fewer people on Library Walk,” said one student.
Photo by Julia Wong

Following a controversial article in USA Today stating that students of religiously affiliated universities report higher levels of school spirit, satisfaction, and “connection to both the earthly and the divine,” UC San Diego has announced that it will become the first public university to have a religious affiliation. “For too long, you heathens have been leading aimless and wicked lives. Every day, we stray further from the holiness that was originally envisioned for this school,” Chancellor Khosla stated in an Instagram announcement Friday morning. “The university has thus decided that these bearforsaken students need more religion in their lives. Starting Fall Quarter of 2024, UCSD will become officially affiliated with the
Warren Bear religion.”

Although this affiliation will not take effect for another year, there has already been an upwelling of support from students, many of whom have reportedly been worshiping the Bear for quite some time. “Since the Bear arrived to our campus almost 20 years ago, his presence has been an oasis of holiness in an otherwise barren and hopeless land, yo,” explained undergraduate student Griz Lee. “Some of the greatest moments of my life have been during my 2 a.m. prayer circles with the bros.” According to Lee, these rituals have been taking place since 2005 and typically entail several minutes of humming loudly in unison along with a “joyous dance” meant to ground the worshipers’ spirits in the presence of the Bear, followed by a solemn joining of hands around the Bear as they “absorb its paramount greatness” for roughly one hour. “So many students are feeling totally hopeless about what to do with their lives, so it’s pretty sick that the important voices are finally being heard,” Lee added before falling to his knees and crying out to the sky, “All hail the Warren Bear!”

As part of the university’s new affiliation with the Warren Bear religion, these rituals will be incorporated as an encouraged part of students’ daily lives. In addition to this, there will be a variety of on-campus organizations dedicated to the Bear. According to a recent university-wide email regarding campus involvement, these will include the Bear History Research Group, Granite Sculptors @ UCSD, and Warren Bear Cosplayers Club, among many others. 

Another significant change that UCSD announced will be the new Warren Bear Theology major. Astoundingly, over 60% of undergraduate students are expected to switch to this major within the year.

“Yeah, man, I just feel like my bioengineering major wouldn’t have worked out for me,” said Lee. “I only had three classes left until I could graduate, so I’ll probably be here until 2027, but engineering just never felt like my calling. It’s good to be studying something I know will actually get me somewhere in life, y’know?”

At the end of the original announcement, it was also reported that each of the university’s eight colleges will be officially renamed, as each one will now represent one of the eight granite boulders that make up the Bear’s body. “If you ask me, the renaming of the colleges is an incredibly informed and necessary step for the university to take,” stated one student on the Left Ear College Student Council (LECSC), formerly known as the Thurgood Marshall College Student Council. “My only concern is whether
we’ll still be able to call it ‘Warren Bear.’”