Open Season Declared On Seals

On March 3, the Trump administration announced that beginning in April, they will allow the hunting of a previously protected endangered species of seals. According to a statement released by the administration, “Seals threaten the livelihood of fisheries. Not only does the industry endure losses up to $49 dollars due to seal-bitten fish ending up in nets, but they also have to enact precautions to avoid capturing seals in said fishing nets. The seal culling is expected to boost fish populations and profits for American companies.” This announcement sparked outrage in environmentalist groups and joy among fishery owners and hunters alike. Henry Samuel, CEO of Vitulina Reservoir, said, “I hate those stupid dog-things anyways. Why do I have to spend money just because those dumb animals don’t have the common sense to avoid a net? ‘Intelligent animals’ my ass.” Local environmentalist and author Penny Pehd responded, “Haven’t we learned anything about removing predators from their ecosystems? The more I hear about this, the stranger it feels.” Pehd was declared missing soon after commenting, and was later found dead in an oil spill five miles off the San Diego coast.