Written by: Katie Campbell

Following a controversial Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament at a San Diego game store, UC San Diego student Keto Saiba was accused of using banned cards in his Exodia deck before being “sealed away with dark magic coming from within the cards.” According to the store’s owner, Julien Sweaty, Saiba was sealed into his Exodia cards, turning them into “Keto, the Forbidden One,” where Saiba could be seen “visibly upset and afraid, like a painting from Luigi’s Mansion.” Per Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament rules, the new cards were deemed tournament-illegal, confiscated, and disposed of using “current regulations” — which includes shredding the offending cards and throwing them into the nearest large body of water.

“I mean, that’s what you get for trying to cheat,” said Saiba’s final opponent, Imay Iguy. “Asshole thought I wouldn’t care if he used Pot of Greed. I take this shit seriously, unlike some people. I may use counterfeit cards, but at least they look real.” Sweaty agreed with Iguy, adding, “And now he’ll never cheat again. Good riddance.”

Medical examiners ruled that Saiba was “too wet and pulpy” to be reconstituted into anything resembling a human form. UCSD responded to the news by sending out a 30-page email, reminding students that CAPS offers grief counseling for anyone affected by Saiba’s “watery eternal banishment.”

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