Philosophy Student Mistakes Thought for Mind-Blowing Epiphany

Written by: Sharon Roth

Michael of Temecula recently took his Minions out to dinner, only to complain, “This is the last supper! You guys cost way too much money.”
Photo By Sharon Roth

Mike “Michael” Johnson, a fourth-year chemical engineering major from Temecula, reportedly experienced something which was, in his own words, “unlike anything [he] had ever experienced before, like ever.” 

Johnson, who is currently fulfilling one of his general education requirements by taking PHIL 47: Ethics for Ethically Dubious People, was left dazed after experiencing a reported paradigm shift while writing his final paper for the class. “I think a higher power was speaking through me at that moment,” said Johnson, “because I have never experienced such clarity. I was sitting there, typing up some bullshit, when something profound occured to me. I was engulfed in a sea of calm, which usually only happens when I’m surfing, but this time I wasn’t even in the water. I wish I could explain the worldshifting epiphany I had, but I don’t think any other mortal is physically or spiritually capable of this level of thinking. I realized that people … should be nice to each other.” 

The PHIL 47 professor, Dr. Justine Thyme, declined to comment on Johnson’s contribution to her class. However, it was later discovered that she left lengthy comments on his essay, including a note reading, “I’m so glad you think people should be nice to each other, but the prompt was ‘Argue whether or not violent dissent is a morally correct form of protest.’ C-.” 

Several students, however, found Johnson’s words insightful. “Mikey is a straightup religious prophet,” claimed Johnson’s best friend, Shiloh Briefcase. “After he turned in that essay, he reserved a space in the CS dungeon to meet with some of our friends, but ever since he started those meetings he’s been growing this weird, patchy beard and calling us his disciples. I totally support it though. I even heard him talking to God on the phone the other day! Or maybe he was just leaving another voicemail for his exgirlfriend. It’s hard to tell.” 

Juniper Dagwood, who has religiously attended all of Johnson’s meetings, shared some of the rituals incorporated into the weekly sit-downs. “I barely know Michael of Temecula, but he said it’s okay for me to use his nickname. He said any of Michael’s Minions can use it,” began Dagwood, showing off a friendship bracelet given only to Minions. “Anyway, he always starts meetings by sharing his teachings. It’s usually a quote from an Instagram infographic. I gotta say, his online following is almost as impressive as his spiritual one.”

Briefcase admitted that he had not seen his friend in several days after Johnson was hospitalized for a head injury. An eyewitness in Revelle College claimed that they saw Johnson fall after unsuccessfully climbing “What Hath God Wrought.” Upon hearing this, Briefcase assured anyone who would listen that Johnson sustained no serious injuries. “Mikey’s okay, I just called him,” Briefcase said, then hurriedly proclaimed to some worried Michael’s Minions, “It appears that Michael of Temecula, He Who Has Discovered the Truth, climbed “What Hath God Wrought” because he was trying to communicate with the heavens. The knowledge he obtained from this brave quest left his physical body feeble, but his mind more powerful than ever.” 

“Mikey’s started performing miracles. He walked on a puddle of water and didn’t even slip. And today at our weekly meeting he turned some water into Kool-Aid,” said Briefcase. “It was awesome. As in, I was filled with awe, but it was also sick as fuck. He did it so fast I didn’t even see him open the KoolAid packet and pour it in.” Sources later confirmed that Johnson’s horde of followers, both eager to absorb their prophet’s wisdom and thirsty after the five-hour meeting, enthusiastically drank the Kool-Aid.


Graphics Editor at The MQ

Sharon was “born” in 1801. She inspired the Archie Comics, which later inspired the hit TV show Riverdale.

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