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I Got You This Heart-Shaped Box for Valentine’s Day Vs. You Fool! I Need a Real Human Heart!

Written by: Jack Yang


I Got You This Heart-Shaped Box for Valentine’s Day

By Dave
Hopeless Romantic

Hey Annie. Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m not great at the whole romance thing, but I wanted to get you something for our big day. Sorry I couldn’t be around so much last week, Caleb was back in town, and you know I had to get the boys back together for the big game. I wanted to tell you, but you seemed a little grouchy so I backed off. Plus, you seem pretty busy with your doctor job… but I’m here now, babe. I promise I’ll do better. I’m gonna start working on this relationship.

Take this. I know you like hearts, so I got you this box of chocolates shaped like one. It’s not the fanciest stuff in the world, but who doesn’t have a little sweet tooth, am I right? Anyways I had a few of them already to make sure they were good enough for you, of course and I gotta say that these ones are the bomb. Oh, but not that one, I’m saving it for later. And look! The chocolates are shaped like hearts too! Isn’t that cute? Hehe. Anyways, if you want to, we could go to my place, watch some TV I got a new flatscreen, some Hallmark movies, and a frozen pizza with your name on it. How’s that for a romantic evening?

So what do you say?


You Fool! I Need a Real Human Heart!

By Anabelle
Crooked Chirurgeon

You disgust me, David. What is this trifle you have brought back? I asked for a human heart, dunderhead, not this mortifying mockery. Why on earth do you imagine I sent you to the morgue? Merely for the sights? I would laugh this instant, were this not the fourth time I have sent you on such a task!

I am simply at a loss. You have retrieved the body parts from my old university laboratory without fail. Why is it that a fresh heart is suddenly such a gargantuan task? When I read your personal ad in the paper, you claimed yourself that you had “stolen a few hearts” in “your time”. Mere boast does not a worthy assistant make! Unless you have a bloodied, pulsing heart in your hands, get out of my sight, urchin!

Finally, I am not a mere doctor. I am an alchemist. A visionary, a diabolist, a master of life and death itself! Those buffoons at the university be damned, scrabbling over petty titles when the macrocosm lies before us, its secrets laid bare if only they could look past their Hippocratic Oaths and see it! With a fresh human heart, the last piece to this fleshy puzzle, I can finally enact the Great Work, and my beloved will return to me. Oh, Leonora! Woe is me that I am surrounded by such ignoramuses as the one before me! He is utterly useless. Hm? … Or are you? A hale creature, whose fleshy heart beats still…

Yes, David, you’ll do nicely.

Graphics Editor at The MQ | Website

Digital cowboy. Graphics lad. Future Doc Pep Brand Ambassador.

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