“FaceBOOK? Kids these days won’t even know what those things are,” complained one spokesperson.
Photo by Jack Yang
An ex-employee of Facebook has come forward with a set of leaked internal documents from the social media company. The contents of the documents range from mundane meetings to top-secret information about the nature of the site to revelations about the internet as a whole. In summary, the documents reveal that Facebook was aware of the quality of the content it presented to its audience, described in one email chain as “diarrhea in electronic form.” One Facebook executive described the site as “a giant cesspool revealing that perhaps humanity deserves extinction.”
The whistleblower stated that she felt that “people need to know that the internet is really the same hellhole it was before.” In a note included within the leak, the whistleblower stated, “Personally, I was shocked to learn that the internet feeds into our deepest, darkest impulses and promotes hatred, violence, extremism, and a host of other social ills.” Facebook issued a statement in response, saying: “Yeah, the internet melts your frontal lobe. What are you gonna do about it? Delete social media? Huh? Go ahead. We dare you to find meaning in your life when you don’t compare it to everyone else’s. Yeah, that’s what we thought. Just sit there and scroll, idiot.” Additionally, Facebook announced that they expect no major changes to the structure of their website, app, company, practices, or “anything in general, really.”
One Facebook executive was quoted as saying, “We believe that despite the massive body of evidence that the internet will probably end democracy within our lifetimes. Our policy is that we have successfully infested the minds of every person with the obsessive need to base their lifestyles and opinions off of a revolving door of self-proclaimed ‘hot take trendsetters’ who get replaced every 23 seconds. Hopefully we can expand from promoting insecurity in teens to giving them depression and a general detachment from reality soon.”
The leaks come at an inopportune time for Facebook, with their earnings report right around the corner. Fortunately for Facebook, the content of the leaks proved to investors that everything is working as intended. A spokesperson for Goldman Sachs opined, “If the internet made everyone’s lives better through frequent use, what would the point be? At Goldman Sachs, we take pride in our ‘one step forward, two steps into the eternal lake of fire’ mentality.” The NASDAQ agreed, resulting in Facebook shares climbing 15% by closing. The revelations also left other internet giants completely unsurprised and unscathed. Google issued a press statement confirming the whistleblower’s conclusions and that they will continue to “harvest every last detail of your personal life for our profit. Go ahead and live one day without needing to look up something that doesn’t matter, like ‘who is Pete Davidson,’ or ‘bump on chest disease.’” Google shares rallied 12% due to investor confidence. Amazon was much more ambitious, declaring “We have expanded misery beyond just the internet. We are proud to announce that we have successfully turned our warehouses into actual cesspools. Like, literally, it’s just a pool of garbage with Whole Foods bags floating around.” Similarly to Google, investors took this as a sign that tech companies are largely on the right track, and the Amazon stock price jumped 13%.