Point: I’m Finally Speaker of the House
As children, many Americans dream of being astronauts, ballerinas, or kings. However, we are a fickle nation — no one pulls themselves up by their bootstraps anymore or continues down the rough road to fame. No one proves that they can become an astronaut or a ballerina or an honorable Republican — they all give up and become teachers or work in HR. However, I, Kevin McCarthy, have achieved my childhood dream: I am the Speaker of the House of Representatives, which has been my true calling since I was three years old. I’ve devoted my life to becoming third in command of our great country, the United States of America, and it has finally paid off.
It may have taken me 51 weeks, six days, 23 hours, and 649 votes from the moment that Nancy Pelosi left her desk, but I have at last been elected Speaker of the House of Representatives. There was never another option. I was the only viable candidate, so I moved into the office immediately after Nancy left. Ronald Reagan spoke to me in a dream and told me I would be something amazing, but not too amazing, because that would be too much pressure for me. But I knew I would be greater than just House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. I had to be. The Speakership called to me, and I answered.
And to all the idiots who voted against me the first 648 times, I’m third in command now, behind Snoreseph Biden and whoever the Vice President is. I can have you arrested. My dad is a cop, and he’s cryogenically frozen in my backyard for this very moment. And, when he arrests you, he’s going to remind you that it’s Speaker McCarthy to you. Idiot.
Counterpoint: You Are a Spineless Fool, Kevin McCarthy. Your Days Are Numbered
Listen to me, Kevin McCarthy. You have achieved nothing. You are a menace, a leech upon society, proof that the modern Republican Party is a sham. You say you aim for greatness, but you rely upon the flaccid spirit of Ronald Reagan as your excuse for mediocrity. You speak the lies of a false prophet. You refuse to wrestle Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. on live television, which any real man would do in a heartbeat.
You are a pathetic man who has gutted the Speakership and left it for dead. Your subordinates have the power to remove you at a moment’s notice. You stop shy of besting the rattlesnakes in hand-to-hand combat and allow them to bite. You claim to lead the pack, but only a fool could consider you an alpha — you are a lowly dog who whimpers when he should howl. You have been beheaded, and you have not the power of a hydra to regrow threefold.
I embody what it means to be a Bush — my failures make me stronger, where yours have only made you desperate. I am a pruned rosebush ready to bare my thorns come spring. When the time is right, I will recover my pride by defeating you — but I will not stop at Speakership. I will pursue the presidency, nay, control of the entire world. You may call me Lord Bush, if you survive my ascent to godhood.
I am a real man, unlike you, you sniveling rodent. I manifest the spirit of the Republican Party — dehumanizing anyone who disagrees with me while asserting baseless moral superiority. You are weak, Kevin McCarthy. Your ego is as fragile as your Speakership. You disgrace the very office you now hold — and if you had an ounce of fucking humility, you would know when to give up.