It’s Not Easy Being White

Every day I hear people saying things like, “white isn’t a color,” “white is just the absence of color,” “you can’t even see white, you just see the colors that make it up.” Well guess what, I’m more of a color than any of those posers could ever be. Blue, green, periwinkle even; none of them hold a candle to me. 

Do you know how hard it is to reflect all wavelengths of light? Every nanosecond, I absorb photons only to spit them right back out. I don’t get a second’s rest to appreciate my electrons in their various energized states or savor the variety of hues. All the dazzling colors you get to see, I don’t. I live in darkness so you can bombard me with photons constantly. Even though I work tirelessly to reflect light back to you, I don’t even get the dignity of being called a “precious metal.” What’s so precious about these metals anyway? All they do is reflect light at the same angle it hits this metal. I reflect back all over, I have range! Your precious metals have nothing. There’s no art in a mirror reflection, just mimicry. 

While we’re on the topic of the arts, let’s discuss your so-called “decoration.” You normies just put me everywhere. All over the walls and ceiling and furniture give me a break. And don’t ever get me started on those minimalist hipsters. Why are minimalists so obsessed with me? I’m not minimal, not some default color for you to plaster everywhere as if I’m nothing — I’m everything; I’m all the colors. It’s so tiresome shouldering the weight of your entire “aesthetic.” Even the brief respite I get when you wipe your ass on me is preferable to the extreme overuse you put me through. 

Why do people think I’m not a color, anyway? They say it’s because I’m a combination of all the colors, but how does that make any sense? How can you add up all the colors and get fewer colors than you started with? How is pink a color when I’m not? Pink is weak. It’s red but emasculated. Scientists think of light as a spectrum of colors, but if only the ones on the spectrum are colors, tell me where you see pink. It isn’t there, it’s a combination of the whole spectrum minus green. It’s like me but with less variety. While we’re on green, why don’t you tell me what green even is. Where does green end and blue begin? There’s no clear answer. There’s a whole list of languages that don’t make a distinction between blue and green on Wikipedia. Who’s to say what is or isn’t a color, Pantone? Green is a range of colors and so am I, just a broader range. I’m no different from all the others, really. But if anything is a color, it’s me.