Rats Unionize


Written by: Dylan Towner

UC San Diego’s rodent population has recently received recognition as an organized union by campus administration. The Lab Rats’ 12-month campaign has garnered them protections against the “cruel and unusual tests” that are committed against them within labs, as well as strides towards equitable housing and an ample supply of cheese.

“This is a great step forward, not just for the rats, but for all rodentkind,” said rat spokeshuman Piedro Pipereius. However, this landmark animal rights decision has been met with some controversy from the larger rodent population. 

“These bigwig lab rats already had it good to begin with!” said one disgruntled Pepper Canyon rat. “They sit around all day in their ivory cages with a safe place to sleep and a constant supply of food! Sure, they might have to undergo crazy experiments where their skin is boiled off in the name of science or something, but at least they don’t have to sleep in a bush!”

Meanwhile, the World Health Organization has declared the change beneficial. In return for the ratification of the union’s constitution, The Rats have agreed to limit their spread of the plague.

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