“Don’t talk to me ’til I’ve had my morning burrito,” said Sixth College student Calvin Herrington.
Photo by Ezra Bihis
Following the trends of the beverage industry, HDH has announced that they will be releasing their own line of energized products in markets and restaurants campuswide. Similar to caffeinated cans of fruit juice available in many supermarkets, HDH’s stated goal was to “craft an addictingly delicious item that hides its addiction-inducing caffeine content.”
The caffeinated breakfast time specials, known as ’Fasts, will include items such as caffeine salt fries at Triton Grill, coffee bean burritos at Wolftown, and 500mg “Triton Focus” tablets at the Sunshine Just Walk Out Market, with the expectation that Sunshine will open “eventually, rapidly.” According to HDH, the ’Fasts were designed with the intent to improve students’ attention spans, and thereby the university’s national ranking, ahead of finals week. Students wired into the buzz around health effects, however, have “reasons to be anxious.”
Ace Tate, a second-year pre-med Pharmacological Chemistry major, voiced her distaste with HDH in the customization details of her Red Bull-infused Blue Bowl online order. “You guys are my last freaking resort. HDH restaurants don’t serve virgin breakfasts anymore, only ’Fasts, so it’s either Price Center or actual fasting for me. But, I had to try your take on a Red Bull infusion. See, I don’t need caffeine everyday, but it does help before class days and on weekends right before I start on my homework. Though, according to one of my classes, it’s not advised to be able to feel your blood. This wouldn’t happen if I could just go to Wolftown like I used to… It’s alright, I’ll cut down after finals.
“There were already multiple coffee places on campus, but I suppose the 2-in-1 convenience makes it worth it? Is each bite and sip a missed opportunity to accrue enough caffeine to see the Grid? And the crash afterwards … ’Fasts break me by 3 p.m. and then it’s back to Audrey’s. At some point, the little treat becomes a little curse and you have to put it away for a few days. And when I’m well and good, I’ll methylate my own theobromine, thank you very much. And extra bananas on top.”
Not all students share the same opinions, however. 64 Degrees saw lines stretching outside the building after HDH workers hung a banner that read “Welcome Back, Panera Lemonade” above the entrance. On r/UCSD, fourth-year Aerospace Engineering major Carter Yak described his own new morning routine: “It’s perfect, I’ll stock up on enough Double Stuf, Double ’Fast pizza rolls from Canyon Vista Marketplace to last me into next quarter. I feel like the main character every morning. Coffee and Monster Energy pale in comparison to this cheesy high. I can’t believe it took the university this long to supply these, since it’s the only way we can survive the engineering department’s course load with a usable GPA. ‘Make the problem, sell the solution,’ I suppose. But now, I’m left with the dilemma of what to do with my coffee machine. Hm, I suppose I could use it as an expensive Brita.”
Campus faculty have already begun anticipating the effects of ’Fasts by decreasing the number of “now obsolete” CAPS counselors in favor of bolstering Cardiovascular Rehabilitation and Wellness services at Jacobs Medical Center.
Amit is a cog in this machine. But doesn't everything run on optic cables or something?
