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by Lily “xXxFairyPrincessGamerGirlxXx” Star
We had been dating for six years, eight months, and two days when my boyfriend told me that he had something to confess. Everyone knows what that means, and I thought day 2,436 would be our last together. I anticipated the usual suspects — another woman, his parents hate me, Co –Star told him to “take charge of his life” by cutting off all existing connections and moving to Italy. But the truth was much more devastating: my boyfriend “can’t stand” my sex playlist — his words, not mine. He said it was “unbearable, orgasm-denying,” and, most damningly, “unsuitable for any event other than a Magic: The Gathering tournament.”
I didn’t understand. How could my perfectly curated playlist not get him in the mood? It has every mood! He immediately pointed out songs that had to go. Some of them were just too long, like the full soundtrack to Earthbound (it’s an emotional journey — just like sex with me), but others are “totally unsexy.” He told me that every time the DK Rap comes on, he has to finish before Lanky Kong’s verse or he’ll be “haunted by funny faces” until he reaches a “blue-balls hell.” I don’t really get it — there’s an entire section about nuts, and the N64 soundfront beat is so hot — but since my fortune teller told me I should be more open to criticism, I took it out of the playlist.
Also on the chopping block: “Burning Men’s Soul” from Persona: Trinity Soul (because “the jazz is sexy” but he “just can’t keep it up when that guy starts rapping about carpet”), a two-hour podcast about the choose-your-own-adventure Goosebumps books (“it really isn’t the time”), and a compilation of every opening theme from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (“listen, honey, I know you like it, but when you can’t stop talking about how awesome it is, I feel like you aren’t really in the moment … ”). He initially agreed to keep “Dancing Mad” from Final Fantasy VI, but only because it’s our song. It was playing the first time we kissed — at a game store 500 miles from the nearest town, after our car got possessed by malevolent spirits — but I scrapped the whole playlist anyway. I think the only song he actually liked was “Megalovania” from Undertale!
After a tearful goodbye to our sex playlist of old, I was confronted with a new problem: what songs could I choose that accurately reflect the core values of our relationship without ruining our sex life? I spent five sleepless nights researching and rejecting songs, only accepting the finest of (literal) bangers. The resulting playlist was short, but we agreed it was long enough — just ten minutes, made up of three songs: “Megalovania,” “Necrofantasia” (from Touhou 7: Perfect Cherry Blossom), and “Motteke Sailor Fuku” (from Lucky Star).
Following the creation of Sex Playlist 2.0, I queried my colleagues for other ways my boyfriend and I could improve our sex life. We set up a sex room in our apartment, complete with LED gamer lights and a new array of sex toys: a Chain Chomp vibrator, a glowing tentacle that harnesses ominous energy, and a jade effigy of Ness from Earthbound ($3,500.99 at GoopForGamers). As for our sex life now? Well — I’d say it’s never been better, if you know what I mean. 😉
