NFL Releases Collaborative Script for New Season

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Romeo, o Romeo, wherefore art — oh, shit, wrong play,” said Kenny Pickett.
Photo by Amit Roth

In a series of advertisements designed to raise excitement for the next NFL season, the league admitted to a claim that conspiracy theorists have been trying to prove for years: that the NFL is rigged. The news led many fans to express their disappointment online, complaining about things like the “lazy writing” in recent seasons. “The NFL is rigged, what a shocker that was. Any fan that has been watching for the past couple seasons could tell you that,” said Steelers superfan Sharon Sagatelian. “I have no problem with the NFL rigging their games, but can’t they make the effort to at least leave fans surprised at the end of the year? I mean, at this point, I can already tell you that the Kansas City Chiefs are gonna win the Super Bowl again. Once the writers find a team they like, they don’t ever change. Heck, Tom Brady managed to win seven Super Bowls before being written off!”

In response to fan complaints about the lack of quality in previous years’ scripts, the NFL announced that this year’s script would contain a collaborative feature that incorporates fan suggestions and voting to determine the final script. “For years, our script writers have been forced to hide what they do for a living,” said NFL commissioner Roger Stokoe Goodell. “Now they can write without all that pesky stress, and hopefully our fan suggestions will also help to enhance the script. Plus, now that we don’t have to keep the typewriter jockeys locked away in windowless rooms for the season, Amnesty International will finally get off my back.”

Players and coaches expressed enthusiasm in response to the script going public. “Thank goodness I don’t have to keep the script a secret anymore. I was always afraid I’d lose a copy on the bus,” said head coach of the San Francisco 49ers Romella Roth. “Now instead of having to pretend to practice football on top of our acting practice for the games, we can just focus on putting on the best performance possible every Sunday. I am especially excited for the fan suggestion that in Week Four, we play full-contact soccer with a football. I’ve always felt kickers were underutilized.”

With the script’s new collaborative process, the NFL has entered a new era of fan involvement within the game. “I’m so excited for this year and what the fans have planned for me,” said Steelers quarterback Kenny Pickett. “Now that everyone knows we are actors, we can finally have fun with the game. I’ve always wanted to perform a Shakespearian monologue in the fourth quarter before dropping back and throwing the game-winning touchdown. I can’t say when, but fans should be prepared for the greatest Hamlet the world has ever seen one Sunday night this year.”With the script partially released before the season starts, the NFL hopes to optimize the viewing experience for fans. “

With the script now open to the public, fans can find the perfect game for them,” said Goodell. “If you want to watch a defensive battle, we will have one for you. If you want to watch a high-scoring shootout, we will have one. And, if you are really crazy, we will even have one ‘nostalgia’ game per week where we don’t tell you who will win.”

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