Is Play-Doh vegetarian?
– CRAFTY CATHERINE

The short answer is yes! Play-Doh is a mixture of water, salt and flour. However, if you consider the ethical status of PlayDoh as a company (I’m sure they’ve done something wrong), you might want to give your child homemade Play-Doh so that they grow up as woke as possible. Start by growing your own oats. This process will take 60 days, but those 60 enrichmentless days in your child’s life will be for a moral cause, so if they complain later in life, be sure to tell them that they’re ungrateful and personally responsible for the heat death of the universe. Measure about four cups of oats and blend them in a high-power blender (you probably have one of those laying around from the kid’s protein shake we introduced last issue) until the grains show a floury consistency. Next, get your towel ready, because we’re heading to the beach! While your child is locked in the car, take 20 gallons of seawater for thermal distillation. Boil the seawater, and you should get around nine ounces of pure sea salt — much saltier than store-bought. Lastly, get a bottle of Evian water and mix with your salt and flour in a ratio of 2.5 to 1.25 to 1.5. Voilà! Dinner is served — er, played.