I hate walking into the gym on January 1. It’s full of losers who crowd the machines and probably can’t even bench the bar. Thankfully by February they’re all gone, but it greatly inconveniences true fitness freaks like myself. I can’t be waiting for the squat rack—it compromises my pump. But you might be wondering: how did you get so fit, Jim, because you are one built dude. I’ll tell you: it’s easy. I started going to the gym on December 25, 2022, after I won a free membership in a radio contest. Those six additional days of working out have made me vastly superior to you and your scrawny body.
You might be thinking that six days is not a lot of time. But I’m jacked, not just because I lift insane amounts of weight (which I do), but also because of my strict diet. Every morning, I wake up at around 3:00 a.m. For breakfast I have five dozen eggs, just like my hero Gaston, and a pound of creatine. When I can finally walk again, usually around 11:00 a.m. or 12:00 p.m., I hit the gym. First, I spend 10 minutes psyching myself up in a mirror before I hit one rep on every machine in the gym. You gotta show everyone else how much better than them you are to really enhance your gains. Then I strut around the gym like a boss and correct people who are doing things wrong. You’re welcome. The other day, I saw some loser stretching before they started working out. Thankfully for them, I was there to educate their stupidity away with some gym knowledge. I told them the secret every gym bro is born knowing: in order to grow muscles, you have to tear them. The easiest way to stop your muscles from tearing is a stretch. Just seeing them commit that cardinal sin made me want to throw up, but I knew that would be a waste of good calories.
The next time you are thinking about bettering yourself through exercise, don’t. You suck and you always will. Just sit at home, eating your pizza on the couch, and leave the gym to real fitness freaks like me, who don’t even break a sweat curling a 2.5 pound dumbbell once, sometimes twice if I’m lucky.