“Classified? No, these are just top secret,” said Khosla.
Photo by Julia Wong
Following an anonymous tip, campus police and the Office of Internal Affairs conducted a raid of Chancellor Khosla’s private office last Thursday, finding several classified documents that had gone missing from University of California headquarters in Oakland. UC President Michael V. Drake issued a statement following the raid, saying, “We are deeply ashamed to report that Chancellor Khosla was found with several classified documents in his possession. If he had leaked these documents to the public, irreparable harm would have been inflicted upon the UC brand. Thankfully, we were able to reclaim the documents in time, and we will now be conducting a thorough investigation into how the Chancellor was able to escape the headquarters with my offshore bank account details … I mean the location of my secret oil field … I mean the plans for a new UC in Bakersfield so we can show Cal that UCB is a cool name. Oh, shoot, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that … ”
Following the announcement, UCSD was thrown into chaos as protests broke out around campus. “Chancellor Khosla needs to resign immediately,” said third-year Kamala Pence. “He represents our school, and acting this way really lowers our reputation. The fact that he had the audacity to attack the University of California system — and, by extension, our beloved president Michael, who was kind enough to not raise tuition for a whole year — really pisses me off. I would call for his head to be mounted on a stake, but I just can’t support cutting down a tree for someone as disgusting as the Chancellor.”
However, not everyone was convinced of Chancellor Khosla’s guilt. A small faction of students and professors formed a group called Khosla’s Krakens to “stop the steal” and to protest the unjust persecution of the Chancellor. “It’s obvious what they’re doing, man,” said history professor Mike Harris. “Big UC obviously planted those documents in Khosla’s office to cover up the truth that he was about to reveal. Time and time again, we have seen the government work to unjustly oppress people in power for no good reason.”
Chancellor Khosla’s punishment was announced by the Board of Regents on Monday after several days of closed-door meetings. The secretive nature of the meetings angered those on both sides of the conflict. “Why couldn’t they televise their decisions?” said Krakens member Mark Giordano. “Seems like they are trying to hide something — perhaps the secret that Khosla was working hard to uncover. If I was able to watch their meetings on TV, I would feel more confident that the board wasn’t unjustly persecuting such a perfect man.”
“The punishment is not enough. Something fishy happened during those meetings,” said Pence. “Without televising their meetings, how are we supposed to have any amount of faith in the board’s decision? Khosla probably bribed all of them with a bedroom in his luxurious mansion. I mean, who would say no to beachfront property in La Jolla?”
Early Tuesday morning, President Drake and the Board of Regents traveled to La Jolla to carry out Chancellor Khosla’s punishment. In front of the entire student body, Drake slapped Khosla firmly on the wrist. News broke shortly after that classified documents had also been found in the home of Vice Chancellor John Robinette Nixon.