Library Discovered to Be Full of Facts


Written by: Pranav Reddy

“Wait, gullible is really in here?” said Wu Reeds, sorting through a dictionary.
Photo by Farhad Taraporevala

Researchers at UC San Diego have published a “shocking” result: Geisel Library is full of facts. “The library, built by Dr. Seuss with an array of bizarre machines, was hitherto known to contain body odor, vape smoke, and sadness,” said Libby Rahl, librarian, who was shocked to discover that Geisel Library had actual value. “We know that floors 1 and 2 are primarily used for social events. Floors 5 to 8 are for people with no friends. And of course no one goes to floor 4, but the idea that there is something else in Geisel is quite fascinating. More research is required to determine where these facts came from.”

Reactions to the discovery have been mixed. Wu Reeds, a student, said, “I didn’t know there were things you could do other than watch Netflix and talk loudly with my friends in Geisel. It’s pretty cool that I could also learn something while I wait for my Burger King order.” More academically inclined students were unsurprised, with Laura Oser saying, “I mean, yeah, it’s a library, right? So like, it would have books. Which contain facts. I’m not sure why people are acting like this is a big deal. What else would you even do at a library?”

Several students in the Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) department expressed dismay at having to read to learn facts. One student, Reed Navar, remarked, “Yeah, I mean facts are cool, but I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll have to take another GE. Last time they made me read a book, I had an allergic reaction, so hopefully they can digitize it. Preferably into short, digestible videos.” A spokesperson for Student Health Services shared that many engineers are medically unable to process literature. In response, Jacobs School of Engineering announced several remedial workshops to assist students in converting books to a 7,000-part series of five-second videos.

Chancellor Khosla released a statement on the recent discovery, stating, “We are excited to announce that Geisel Library is more than just temporary housing during finals week. The discovery of facts in Geisel Library can help us answer important questions for our community. How can I give myself another raise? Can we pay TAs less? Why shouldn’t all dorms be triples? We look forward to a new exciting wave of research.” The university has also used this recent development as an opportunity for even more construction, with plans to renovate floors 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. A spokesperson said, “Well, floor 2 is already crowded, so how much worse could it get? Stop complaining or we’ll start construction outside your window and remove the other bus stop
on Gilman.”

It remains to be seen what the future holds for Geisel. The Librarians Association of UCSD advised that while it is good that people are excited to explore Geisel, they should avoid delving into floors -3, -4, and -5 due to an “unexpectedly strong raccoon insurgency,” and that underclassmen “should not explore without body armor.” Nevertheless, the future for Geisel Library looks bright, and the discovery of facts will only improve its standing.

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