Written by: Amit Roth

From the makers of the Veritas 800 Marine 30 lubricant comes Chevron’s Carbon Electrolyzer, a machine able to “cleanly break down” CO2. “We have compacted our state-of-the-art Splyt technology into a home appliance,” announced CEO Wike Mirth last Wednesday. “As the second largest CO2 emitter, we’ve really wanted to give back to the global community by having you purchase this product.”

The Splyt Carbon Electrolyzer with Techron uses a strong current to cause any CO2 in a house to react, freeing oxygen and leaving CO. Mirth continued, “CO is not a direct greenhouse gas. And no longer will you suffer stinky carbon dioxide smoke, since carbon monoxide is completely odorless!” Chevron hopes that if at least 65% of American households own an electrolyzer, CO2 levels in the atmosphere will drop by 25% by the year 2080.

“This product is not compatible with those beeping ceiling things, — it’s one or the other,” explained Mirth. “You’ll just have to choose which to throw away. You do want to save the environment, right?”

Amit is a cog in this machine. But doesn't everything run on optic cables or something?

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