“I hear that somewhere during the course, they handcuff you,” said one interested student
who chose to remain anonymous.
Photo by Amit Roth
In November 2020, voters unanimously voted to investigate the San Diego Police Department (SDPD) after years of serious misconduct allegations. The findings resulted in the peaceful resignation of 25.9% of officers and a budget decrease from $2 billion to an all time low of $900 million. “The city was on my tail after I set all of those school buses full of children on fire,” explained former SDPD officer Drank N. Drove. “Now, arson just gets you paid leave. Without a raise! This world’s gone to the bus fires downstairs.” To address the department’s ongoing recruitment challenges, Mayor Todd Gloria and Chief Pete E. Crime unveiled their new solution: make police the “sexiest new thing.”
The new recruitment strategy, dubbed “Too Cool 4 Skool,” aims to create an air of mystery and exclusivity via joining the SDPD in a feedback loop of reverse psychology based on online dating and social media trends. Officers are now being trained to be “aloof, mysterious, and passive-aggressive” with potential recruits. The SDPD has begun introducing suggestive language and behaviors they claim are “designed to satisfy San Diegans’ wish fulfillment fantasies, and leave them longing for more validation and closure.” Instead of providing a comprehensive list of job benefits, potential recruits will now receive the following statement: “Maybe you’re good enough to join us. Maybe not. Let’s find out.” Chief Crime noted, “Now that San Diego is a lawless wasteland filled with dangerous criminals, our objective is to make the good ones want us.” He continued, “We want more hardened citizens to rise to the top position. If you shoot your shot, we promise we won’t.”
Sergeant Robin Banks, among others, has embraced the new aloof mindset. “My days consisted of ‘Good morning’s and ‘Teamwork makes the dream work’s,” she explained. “I told recruits yesterday, ‘I’ll show you how to handle body cams and de-escalation strategies. But, you know, no promises.’ I even called them dumb when they asked about arms protocol. I am powerful.”
Recruits have already noticed the subtle shift in tone. “I was surprised when they didn’t even ask for my references,” said aspiring officer Aho Corasick. “It felt like they were just waiting for me to beg on my knees and cry. Honestly, that’s hot.” Additionally, potential hires are required to be “at least a seven” and to memorize the personal information of all San Diego residents to be acknowledged.
Critics are concerned that the reformed SDPD will not only fail in its recruitment efforts, but will also further reinforce harmful stereotypes about the police. “I just don’t think this is the way to build trust,” said local resident Nasty Nathan. “Are they going to make applicants submit essays to questions like, ‘What do you think is the expected salary range?’ What happened to cops maintaining public order or using excessive force?”
Despite the odds, the program is showing success, according to local law enforcement. “Applications are up 8007%, mostly from people looking for ‘hot singles near them,’” said Chief Crime. Since the SDPD’s announcement, residents are more and more willing to run in HR’s line of fire. “It’s not about the high-caliber workforce, and I’m not even in it for the money,” said officer Otto Matic. “The way Chief Crime’s chest pushed against his shirt and his smoldering gaze radiated workplace abuse, I just had to bite the bullet.” To all prospective officers, Chief Crime offers San Diegans some advice: “Once again, we’ve saved the city. If you’re not willing to put in the effort to win our affections, then don’t live here. You’re welcome.”
