Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

At the beginning of fall quarter, The Determinism Movement, a new club founded at UC San Diego, set the record for the largest club on campus. The club was founded by two fourth-year philosophy students, Iam Somuchbetterthanyou and Mor Ality. “Everyone I know was complaining about grad school applications or trying to find a job,” said Somuchbetterthanyou. “They were talking about weird emotions, like not knowing where to apply to, or feeling dumber than everyone around them, so I decided to help out those poor suckers. I started making their decisions for them, and people really seemed to react positively, saying things like ‘OMG thank you sooooo much’ and ‘I love how you don’t care that other people think you’re bossy,’ so the next logical step was to help as many people on campus as possible by establishing a club.”

The club’s first meeting, held on the third floor of Geisel Library, was attended by over 1,000 students. “By the end of the meeting, I had lost my voice shouting just so that I could spread my sacred words to the masses,” said Ality. “People really liked our message: ‘we are better than you at life, so just let us make your life decisions for you.’ Plus, they really seemed to understand that because we are philosophy students, we know all the right actions to take in a way none of my Tinder dates ever seem to get. Like, ‘No, Ashley, you asked me out so it’s your moral imperative to pick up the full check. I don’t care that I ate $200 worth of edamame.’”

Each member was then offered a meeting with Somuchbetterthanyou and Ality, where they would have their entire life planned. “It was really interesting to get my life planned by two strangers,” said third-year biology major Jordan Slothdaisy. “I thought I was going to apply to grad school, but apparently that’s pointless because I’ve gotten one A-, so now I’m gonna take easy classes and once I graduate, get a job at In-N-Out for life. Not sure how I feel about working there as a vegan, but I guess I’ll have to get used to it.”

However, not everyone is enthusiastic about the new club. “The club’s founders say they are so much smarter and better than everyone else, and that’s why they get to decide our future,” said first-year theater major Shilliam Wakespeare. “But I’ve had three different meetings with them, and each time they determined a different future for me. This is utter hogwash!” Ality responded to Wakespeare’s concerns, saying, “It’s clear what we were trying to get that thick-brained nincompoop to understand: he’s such a good actor that he could literally play different people! Honestly, sometimes our genius is wasted on you mortals. Oh well, I’ll just take my frustrations out on every other theater major’s future.”

Despite the concerns of some students, by the club’s Week 5 meeting, membership had grown to 10,000 students, and club meetings were moved to the grass fields outside Liontree Arena. With so many new members, the founders were unable to meet with everyone personally as they had before. “We simply don’t have enough time to waste figuring out everyone’s lives so thoroughly,” said Somuchbetterthanyou. “Instead, we have taken to a much more efficient process. We meet with groups of 100 students, pick out the one who will be successful, and give the rest leaflets on how to cope with being a failure. Everyone knows that the most important component of success is luck, after all.”

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