Suburban Lawn Care Association Mandates Biodiversity Training

Written by: Sharon Roth

Michaels declared, “Finally, the reign of grass is clover!”
Photo by Sharon Roth

Burt Lopez, co-chair of the La Jolla Lawn Care Association and owner of the third-largest continuous grass lawn according to The Guinness World Book of Book World Records, was recently appointed to spearhead the Grass Expansion Committee (GEC). “The Grass Expansion Committee’s mission is quite simple,” said Lopez. “I believe that every plant in San Diego county ought to be replaced with honest-to-God American grass.” 

The GEC has sparked controversy among environmentalists. Anthony Bloome, an avid sustainability advocate and beekeeper, said his bees left their hive on a “honey strike” in protest of the grass expansion movement. “The beekeeping community was practically buzzing after we heard about the increased usage of pesticides,” explained Bloome. “That maniac Burt Lopez has it out for every insect, even my beautiful bees. I’ll be honest, his new policies made me feel pretty stung.” 

Lopez refuted the claims that the GEC intended to kill all of San Diego’s fauna. “I have no problem with critters on my lawn,” said Lopez. “Sure, I’ll spray anything that moves with a mixture of chloroform, liquid oxygen, and my own spit, but I’ve allowed a small family of common garden gnomes to inhabit the eastern corner of my lawn for several years now.” 

In an effort to showcase how biodiverse the local wildlife population truly was, the GEC sponsored the Ge(g)nome Mapping Project, an interdisciplinary endeavor that cataloged the genetic diversity of gnomes in San Diego county. The project revealed that the common garden gnomes all had remarkably similar genomic sequences. Despite their lack of genetic diversity and overall lack of environmental fitness, the invasive species has driven almost all other Southern Californian gnome species to extinction. Elizardbeth Michaels, an ecology expert, stated, “this is the worst invasive species we have seen since, well, people. We must encourage a focus on recovery of endangered gnative species.” 

Michaels started a campaign to promote biodiversity in San Diego. In addition to planting more native vegetation in her garden and teaching her neighbors to do the same, she has rehomed the gnomes living on Lopez’s property and replaced them with a family of skunks. Michaels encouraged her followers to spam the GEC’s social media accounts with pictures of the skunks, which she named Jeremy, Jeremiah, and Lil’ J. “Striped skunks are actually supposed to live in this region,” said Michaels. “I want to support local fauna, and I want Burt Lopez to know that his deranged policies stink.” 

In an effort to help manage the backlash in the resulting public relations disaster, the board of the La Jolla Lawn Care Association elected to introduce a biodiversity training mandate. Starting next month, any homeowner with more than three square feet of outdoor space will need to enroll in a course on cultivating a garden that would support the local ecosystem. 

Burt Lopez fled the county after learning about his court-ordered biodiversity training. “The people here simply don’t appreciate me or my hunger for grassy lawns,” said Lopez. “It’s a shame that I can’t expand La Jollan lawns anymore, but you know what they say: the grass is always greener on the other side of the CaliforniaArizona border.”

Graphics Editor at The MQ

Sharon was “born” in 1801. She inspired the Archie Comics, which later inspired the hit TV show Riverdale.

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