“Oh shit, a double April Fools’!” exclaimed one student, who took a bite of Jell-O-encased Geisel and realized it was fruit punch flavored and not strawberry.
Photo by Maria Dhilla
March of 2022 has been proclaimed a month that “will forever live in infamy in the annals of UCSD history.” This is largely thanks to a month-long prank battle, which resulted in the destruction of the Thurgood Marshall dorms, as well as the Chancellor’s erasure of April 1 from the calendar and the word “fool” from the dictionary. This series of events can all be traced back to a defective alarm clock and a decaffeinated coffee.
“I woke up at 11 a.m. on March 1 and felt a wave of panic sweep over me when I saw the time,” Carmen McNobrakes said. “I knew that I had to hurry if I was gonna make my 11:15 lecture, so I grabbed a cup of coffee and stumbled to my car. What I didn’t realize was that the coffee I grabbed was actually my roommate’s decaf.”
“While weaving through traffic, I realized I had forgotten to tie my shoes,” McNobrakes continued. “As I bent down to tie them, I heard a scream and felt my car soar through the air until it crashed into the administration building! When I came to, I was sitting in my car, on the Chancellor’s desk, who looked shocked and enraged,” McNobrakes said. “I panicked, yelled, ‘April fool!’ and sprinted to my lecture. I was only 45 minutes late, and when I got back to my car, there was a ticket on my windshield. I thought that would be the end of that, but it was just the beginning of something bigger.”
After recovering from what Khosla called “the greatest April Fools’ prank ever,” the Chancellor decided to spread the spirit to the staff. “I love to watch prank videos on Facebook, especially Jake Paul,” said Khosla. “So I ran into lecture halls, stole professors’ laptops, and broke them over my knee. It was an epic and harmless prank enjoyed by everyone, and what happened next was in no way my fault at all.”
“Khosla went crazy,” said freshman May Ham. “He ran into my CHEM 7A lecture, smashed the professor’s laptop, and ran out screaming, ‘It’s just a prank bro! April Fools’, bitches!” But soon after, the staff had collectively had enough. Pop-up midterms became common, dragging the campuswide average GPA to a record-low 0.42. “Why did the professors punish us?” said Ham. “I didn’t break their laptops, why should I suffer? The only logical thing to do was seek revenge.”
“We had to pull off the ultimate prank, one that would show the professors and Khosla that we meant business,” said senior Missy Sheif. “We gathered all the fireworks we could illegally obtain and hid them in Marshall, to set off and scare everyone when the time was right. Unfortunately, a student’s vape caught on fire, igniting the fireworks and blowing up Thurgood Marshall College.”
After 31 days of chaos, resulting in thousands of students becoming homeless or injured, it was April 1. “I was terrified. I hid in a corner of Geisel trembling in fear,” said sophomore Oprol Falls. “The only person on campus who still seemed to be enjoying the pranks was Chancellor Khosla, who had gained a cult following in Azerbaijan for his prank vlogs.” Khosla’s enthusiasm ended by noon, when he bent down to pick up a nickel and found it glued to the floor. “How could anyone be this cruel?” said Khosla. “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. April Fools’ is hereby banned from UCSD, and anyone who attempts a prank will be executed.”
