Mold Is Dangerous and It Should Be the University’s Responsibility to Remove It vs. Mold Actually Makes You Smarter If You Sniff Enough of It

POINT: Mold Is Dangerous and It Should Be the University’s Responsibility to Remove It

When I moved into the UC San Diego dorms, I expected to gain new friendships and lifelong memories, not a powerful and omnipresent arch­enemy. I’m talking, of course, about the fungal fiend known as mold. I now carry a water gun filled with bleach in a hip holster in case I spot any surfaces befouled by this eukaryotic evil. This fungus is no fun guy, and it can cause dangers to precious human health — like upper respiratory problems and even brain damage!

Even worse than this scourge of spots is the fact that UC San Diego does so little to alleviate it. In the housing contract, they specify that any pre-existing mold is the students’ problem, which is a lot to ask from people who are already toeing the line between living in moderate cleanliness and utter filth. Making mold the students’ duty is also unfair to their bank accounts, since students could use the money spent on cleaning supplies for little treats, like paying bills, instead.

To fight this mycelial menace, I propose that UC San Diego should form the Fungus Annihilation and Remediation Team. This task force would have the sole responsibility of eradicating mold and treating everyone to that delicious bleach smell. Participation in the team will be voluntary unless you return Triton2Go boxes filled with mold, in which case service is mandatory as penance for your sins. 

---

COUNTERPOINT: Mold Actually Makes You Smarter If You Sniff Enough of It

I frankly don’t get all the hullabaloo about those mold “spores” and “toxins” that are allegedly hazardous to human health. If mold is so dangerous, why can it do fun things like turn the caulk in your bathroom cool colors and make your walls look like they’re covered in chic, abstract wallpaper? Personally, I think those little critters are chill. All the mold haters out there are just jealous of mold’s artistic and carefree lifestyle. 

In my opinion, people overlook the fact that mold has so much to offer. A while ago, I learned on TikTok that prolonged exposure to mold can make you smarter. If you really snort that shit, it goes straight to your nog and boosts brain function. Apparently, it will cover and strengthen your synaptic connections and can even form new mold-based neurons.

I eventually decided to try this viral hack by taking a crack at the mold in the basement of the AP&M building. Ever since I succumbed to the rot, my life has been fantastic. I have better mental recall and I’ve aced all my biology exams. Did you know slime mold can solve mazes? I’m now 150% better at the puzzle section on kids’ menus. I’m totally psyched about my new moisture-seeking tendencies and experiencing special, exclusive mycelium memories. It’s also pretty sick that I now have access to the collective unconscious through a fungal point of view.