Written by: Theo Erickson

Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today

After months of research, a Stanford lab concluded that literally everyone went to sleep without flossing beforehand today. While the study has yet to be replicated, lead researcher Dr. Polly Greenwood is confident that this knowledge has groundbreaking implications for society as we know it. “Say goodbye to your individual identity,” said Dr. Greenwood. “We’re all unflossed little lumps of clay now.”

Anecdotal evidence suggests the study’s effects have been profound. “This woman in Costco came up to me today and said, ‘You didn’t floss before you went to bed today,’” reported Harriet Leonard, a local schoolteacher. “I started to walk faster, but then she said, ‘I didn’t either. And that’s okay.’ I broke down sobbing in the milk aisle.”

Other scientists are less sure of the implications of Greenwood’s conclusion that this is in fact part of a deeper-rooted issue culminating in seasonal depression. “It’s incredible. Greenwood robustly showed that everyone went to bed without flossing today, but I think that says more about our dental health than our mental health,” said Dr. Kathleen Yates.

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