November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: Katie Campbell

On March 12, Target CEO Knott Pandring announced the newest entry to the store’s Pride collection of dishware and home goods: a set of 23 knives themed after the Ides of March. “We wanted an innovative way to show our support for the LGBTQIA+ community,” Pandring said. “After four hours of intensive market research led by our Gen Z marketing team, they presented themed knives. According to one of our interns, ‘the gays on Tumblr eat this shit up.’”

Following the announcement, a pre-order form was emailed to Target Circle members. “I knew I had to get them as soon as I saw the Julius Caesar bust in the handle,” one buyer commented. “He just looks so sexy. I bet he would look even better helping me slice beef.” Another buyer was excited about the positive representation for the LGBTQIA+ community, stating, “I’m so excited about the new gay knives! I’ve been wanting to collect a whole queer cutlery set ever since Lana Del Rey came out with that cute mini spoon necklace!”

Target later announced a second version of the Ides of March collection. The new set, known as the Julius Slayyyysar edition, will feature the same “Ides-inspired” designs with rainbow, glittery handles.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *