Child of “Middle-Class” Parents
POINT: AXE Body Spray is Vile
If you’re like me, you’ve shown up to your 9 a.m. class in Solis feeling accomplished for participating in your $50 reformer class with Jenna, using Olaplex’s full line on your perfectly toned $1,000 extensions, and popping your third Addy of the day (in my case, Ritalin). Then, out of nowhere, some unwashed boy comes into the room and decides to sit directly in front of you. Suddenly, your senses are working overtime. You are given a full view of his slimy, greasy hair, left unwashed since the last time he got a haircut on a Marshall College balcony, rather than just getting a weekly balayage at Belle Sirène like the rest of us. You can hear the dirt from behind his ears falling to the ground as he scratches like the untrained mutt your friend’s parents got her for Christmas in the second grade. But most importantly, your nose hair singes at the acrid scent of peasant college boy. I will admit that in the past this sort of scent has attracted me, but then I got my period and I was fine.
I just don’t understand why these children are allowed into the lecture hall; I bet even the professor tears up a bit at this overpowering scent which ultimately proves the laws of diffusion and effusion. Placing the scent of “Phoenix” (whatever that’s supposed to mean) or “Sneakers and Cookies” over your overpowering BO is not acceptable personal hygiene. Take a break from Destiny 2, go buy yourself a bar of rosewater goat milk soap, and take a freaking shower! You literally have nothing better to do with your life.
UCSD Beer Pong Record Holder
COUNTERPOINT: As an Alpha Male, AXE Body Spray Is My Life
Oh how I love AXE! There’s only three things that matter in my life: the gym, my mom, and my AXE. Truly, I don’t know what I would do without my terrific man-scent. I’ve been addicted ever since I saw my first AXE commercial in front of the Minecraft porn video I watched with my friend Aiden in the fourth grade.
If there was an AXE Juul, I’d be hitting that shit all day, every day. It adds the perfect ambiance to every situation I’m in, whether I’m doing my favorite exercise at RIMAC (flexing in front of the mirror for 20 minutes with my bros), or yelling “Where my hug at?” to the girl with the fattie in my building. You know when I’m studying up on my main idols in life, pickup artists, I’m using a constant cloud of AXE to focus. It’s like how some people can’t study without gum, it’s just I like literally go into anaphylactic shock if you take away my AXE, dude. Not only does my AXE cloak accentuate my already voluptuously bulging muscles, but it gives me the confidence to spread my legs twice as far when I’m sitting in the lecture hall. My whole life is AXE. What would I do without it? How would I get bitches? By taking away my right to use this product as a “Shower in a Can,” you’re taking away my First Amendment rights. And my father, the senator, will be hearing about this. Alright, this is Mann signing off. Tridents Up, Panties Down!
