November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult

Written by: Everett Ririe

“I don’t need a vaccine to protect me; I have diamond armor,” wrote @fathogjones on Twitter.
Photo by Sharon Roth

On Sunday, May 29, a squad of San Diego Police officers raided what was, according to Detective Evan S. Unce, a meeting place for a cult of cannibals disguised as Christian churchgoers. Despite the alleged cannibals’ pleas of innocence, Detective Unce claims the evidence against them is “damning” and “of biblical proportions.”

“The trail began with an anonymous tip,” recounted Detective Unce. “A flyer was left at my door with an encoded message, ‘Matthew 26:26-28’ and an address, ‘490 San Pecador Ave.’ So while I was staking out the place — some church-looking building — I got to work decoding that message. Thanks to my unrivaled gut instincts, I knew that it was a timestamp, and so I waited vigilantly, looking for this ‘Matthew’ fella. At exactly 26:26, a formally-dressed man entered the building, exiting before I had the opportunity to pursue. Shifty as hell if you ask me.”

The figure Unce saw was Halford Judas, a priest at the St. Winston Wigglesworth Catholic Church. “I remember that night,” said Priest Judas. “I realized I’d left my limited-edition signed copy of the Bible at church and had just driven back to get it. I saw a man sleeping in his car, four empty bags of Doritos on the dash. By the time I was leaving, he was washing his fingers with a delicious and refreshing Coca-Cola and yelling for some guy called Matthew.”

Priest Judas went on to describe his eventual meeting with Detective Unce after he followed the priest home. “Turns out he was just curious about the church. I showed him those verses he was asking about and invited him to come to mass, but at the regular time.”
“That idiot gave me everything,” Detective Unce said of the encounter. “The key to cracking their cipher, an invitation to their secret meeting, and a fruitcake. He even told me that he leads a congregation of cultists through a weekly cannibalistic ritual symbolic of an ancient human sacrifice to their dark god. They feast on flesh and blood in some twisted gesture of supplication.”
Detective Unce stated, “The whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth. I had to catch them all in the act of eating bread made of ground-up flesh and drinking their fermented blood-wine. The cultists even had children partaking in the ritual, brainwashed from their tender youth. When their leader said he was going to waterboard a baby at the next meeting, I could no longer delay. We had to storm the occult gathering en masse.”

The next Sunday, Detective Unce and an entire SWAT team pulled up to St. Winston Wigglesworth Catholic Church for the ensuing mass arrest. The alleged cannibals expressed a wide range of emotions, from confusion to outrage. One arrested congregant said, “Honestly, I’m just glad to be out of there in less than an hour for once.”

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